Hoo boy, it’s Valentine’s Day again. If ever there’s a time not to have a penis, it’s February 14. A day when we men, we many men, do our very best to either a) go away on business, or b) make our loved ones’ night – an exercise as futile as the Babylonians’ attempt to touch the sky. Silly Babylonians.

But while V-day bites for those of us in relationships, spare a thought for the arseholes who aren’t. Theirs is a lot lower than the rest. All that love, all that shitty romance – it’s enough to have a lone wolf howling at the moon. What’s needed is a proper handbook for dealing with this day of days, which so ruthlessly separates the haves from the have-nots.

Should you send your desired paramour a photocopy of your genitals? I’ll leave that for you to figure out. But the other dos and don’ts can be a little harder to pin down. So without further ado – and in response to Nadine von Cohen’s precision ‘how-to’ for all the single ladies (all the single ladies) – may I present TheVine’s guide to being a lonely guy on Valentine’s Day. Stay frosty, my friends.

DON’T spend the night cutting your hair off while staring despondently into the bathroom mirror.

DON’T make a list of all the reasons a girl would choose Ryan Gosling over you.

DON’T make a list of all the reasons a girl would choose that weird bloke who's always hanging outside the TAB smoking a White-Ox rollie over you.

DON’T play video games with another single man. Video games are an empty substitute for love. Cathartic exemptions apply for Grand Theft Auto, Red Dead Redemption, Doom, Half-Life and Leisure Suit Larry.

DON’T go to see Breakfast at Tiffany’s at Melbourne’s Moonlight Cinema. Add an extra DON’T if you’re Japanese.

DON’T go out to dinner with your sister/mother/other female relation. Shit gets real awkward real quick.

DON’T go to a bistro with your single workmates and get drunk at the bar and leer at all the couples having dinner. Nobody wants to watch you take turns propositioning the bartender, and nobody needs know the directions to the nearest ‘gash bar’.

DON’T chastise any lady who has the temerity to actually get excited about Valentine’s Day. Jerk.

DON’T send a Valentine’s Day card to a female colleague. You might not think it’s obvious, but it’s obvious.

DON’T send a Valentine’s Day card to your mate’s girlfriend. You might not think it’s obvious, but it’s obvious – you scumbag.

DON’T send a Valentine’s Day card to a long-term female friend… I think you get the picture with this one.

DON’T scatter flower petals on a girl’s veranda. You’ll look like a creep. And after she comes out to sweep them off while you look on through a pair of long-distance binoculars, you’ll start acting like a creep.

DON’T buy anybody this card.

DON’T watch the video clip for Air's ‘All I Need’, wonder whether that couple is still together, Google it, and discover that they broke up shortly after it was filmed.

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DO help a bud with the logistics of his over-elaborate Valentine’s Day scheme. God bless that man.

DO watch a televised major sports event with another single man (Dads don’t count).

DO watch Swingers. Just realise it’s not quite as good you perhaps remembered. After that, watch American Ninja Parts 1-5. It’s just as good as you remembered.

DO go to the ‘The Science of Sex Appeal’ talk at the State Library of NSW… because Nadine recommended it and there’ll be heaps of babes there.

DO listen to Rappin’ 4-Tay’s ‘Playaz Club’ over and over until all symptoms of loneliness have subsided. Body rub optional. Mink rug essential.