Top ten greatest octopi

So Paul the psychic octopus was correct. Spain won the World Cup final and now Paul has a 100% accurate track record. People of the world, please commence shitting yourselves. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Paul is an octopus in an aquarium in Germany who has been making divine predictions about the winners of the World Cup matches, or perhaps you live under a rock because you too are an octopus, in which case I’m not in the least bit surprised you are able to read this.

Octopi are extremely intelligent; far more intelligent than people. They have been shown to learn through experience rather than reacting to animal instincts. Some have even learned to identify shapes and colours, a trick which only a handful of us humans have learned. I have come to accept the fact that the octopus empire is at hand. I, for one, welcome our new eight armed overlords. Please watch this video for a bit of background:



Octopi are fucking magicians, and we all know how I feel about magicians, but it is important that we make peace with the species and their psychic powers because, let’s face it, we don’t stand chance. With that in mind, please enjoy my list of the best ten octopi I can think of.

10. Obama-pus



Nothing says patriotism like a crocheted squid. Apparently this was made to “honour” Obama upon his inauguration, and why not. If anything, more craft octopi should be created to celebrate significant political and social events. For my 100th Vine post I too would like a knitted octopus of a similar ilk. I only ask that it doesn’t posses the same eerie cold, dead eyes the Obama-pus has. Old mate needs to cheer up, he’s a symbol of hope! Also, he appears to only have four legs. I call malarky. (nb. Squid and octopi are essentially the same thing. Trust me, I have access to wikipedia)

Via Craftastrophe

9. Wrestling Octopi



Back in the days before the internet, men had nothing better to do then scour the world looking for octopi to fight, hence the fond pastime of octopus wrestling. A man called O’Rourke was known as the Father of Octopus Wrestling (also my new default title). This was written about him in a magazine:


LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ!!! I mean, ahem, animal cruelty is wrong.

8. The Octopus Gardener



Made famous by Ringo Starr who immortalised the Octopus’s Garden as the safest, most charming, hidey hole in the world. No one knows exactly who this octopus was, or why his garden was so fantabulous (lawn flamingos? A rockery? Crazy paving?), all I know is, when we used to sing this song in kindy, I wanted to be with him in his garden more than anything. Sung with Ringo’s Liverpuddlian voice; synonymous with childhood joy, the octopus gardener is the ultimate friend and I wouldn’t be surprised if he took tea with…

7. Henry the Octopus



One of the original friends of the Wiggles, Henry the Octopus lived in the “backyard swimming pool”, baked “octo-pie”, and should be duly revered for his fashion sense- yellow and purple plaid with a smart boater hat- a combination only an octopus with true panache could pull off. Henry should also be applauded for his impeccable manners and elocution (would you care to tentacle dance?). It perhaps should be noted that the tentacle dance itself merely involves spinning around on the spot, not technically a dance, but I’m going to allow it. I mean, he’s an octopus, what do you want from him?

6. Shokushu Goukan



Lest you think all famous octopi pander to infantile whimsy, please, strap on your over-18-seatbelts and ready yourself for the world of tentacle porn. Since the early 1800’s, Shokushu Goukan (tentacle rape) has been seen in Japanese art, and is a popular staple of the hentai genre. By the way, it is not a good idea to type “Japanese Octopus Porn” into google images. You will not just be presented with quaint woodblock prints from the olden days. Apparently there have been innovations in the field since. I learn these things the hard way so you don’t have to.

5. Red Telescope Octopus from Japan

Of course, not all depictions of Japanese octopi are as sinister. Here is a happy children’s show from Japan, of indefinite vintage, that shows that not all octopi are rapists.



…woooowwww.

In truth, I’m not sure which I am more scared of. I know that all this guy wanted to do was pat the baby red octopus furiously on the head but his crazy pupil action made me feel uneasy.

4. Octomom



Speaking of uneasy, remember when this woman was in the news? She took fertility hormones and gave birth to eight baby octopi and then sold her story to the media in order to raise money to train her evil baby octopi for the uprising that would eventually enslave the human race and produce thousands of ungodly eight armed human-octopus hybrids that scuttled over the face of the planet and through the deepest oceans spreading their evil cephalopodian gospel to all. Remember that?

3. Kang and Kodos



Don’t tell me these guys are not octopi. Don’t. Kang and Kodos are the proof in the pudding that octopi are full of ill-will and posses frightening science fiction grade abilities of destruction. In fact, according to the Hawaiian creation myth, the octopus is the last surviving species of an alien race that all life of the present earth generated from. Those crazy Hawaiians are alllllll right!

2. The Octopus who Punches Above It’s Weight



This guy is the man. Watch the video, but do yourself a favour, turn down the volume and do your own Attenborough impersonation. This American narration is intolerable.

1.Ursula, the Sea Witch



Ursula was by far the most interesting character in The Little Mermaid. She was dry, acerbic, she sounded like she spent the last 40 years smoking a pack of sea cigarettes a day, and she was an ambitious career woman. In another life I think Ursula and I could have been really good mates. I wonder if her magical psychic bubble could reach James Franco’s house?

BRB, sewing four extra arms onto my jumper.