I went to a second hand book shop yesterday and bought Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonothan Safran Foer, because I read Everything is Illuminated a while ago and I enjoyed it. The guy who served me was a little bit hilarious. While typing the price into the computer he asked me, “Have you read Everything is Illuminated?” 

“Yes” I replied enthusiastically. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, sighed heavily, and thrust the book at me with a flourish. “Well, I suppose you’ll love this one then”.

I warily took the bait, “Ummm… ok, so you didn’t like it?” I asked him

“No,” he replied “it reminded me too much of Joel”

I assumed I had misheard him. “Pardon?” I asked.

“Joel” he said slower, and unnervingly louder.

I stood there, wracking my brains for a full 10 seconds. For 10 seconds I tried to remember whether Joel was another book by the same author, or the surname of another author, or even a character in a completely unrelated book. For 10 whole seconds I looked at him blankly, displaying my, ‘help me out here’ face. Finally, he shifted his weight to his other hip and huffed, “Joel is my friend” It was later, while contemplating this bizarre exchange during a bus ride in the city, that I saw some banners out the window advertising the city’s libraries. I guess they do that every now and again, because I think people forget about libraries, in fact, I bet you forgot about libraries too, didn’t you? I was unemployed for a period of time earlier this year, and I spent a fair bit of time at my local library so I feel I’m well qualified to tell you all the things you need to know about these wondrous book caves, so you never again have to deal with snobby Bernard Black-esque bookshop owners.

The Public Library

It may help to play this music while you read the following information. 

The Library, what the fuck is it? How did it get there? When will it EVER go away? Well, there are some questions we simply don’t know the answers to, but brave men and women have been studying these marvelous institutions for eons, and experts feel they are getting ever closer to the answers. 

The library is less a government public funded service, as it is a living breathing biological organism, that has feelings, emotions, and desires- the most prominent of these desires being the need to mate and reproduce. So prominent is the burning libido of the library that it takes the world’s sexiest people to keep the library in check- to stop it from doing naughty things. Librarians are well regarded as the sexiest people in the world. Librarians are often required to wear protective clothing such as heavy glasses and frumpy cardigans to work. These protective items are less for the safety of the librarian, and more for the safety of the general public, who would otherwise be powerless to resist their sexy supremacy.


 
Through a carefully cultivated process, the sexy librarians allow the general public to take books, or ‘library seeds’, out of the building. The public then act as a honey bee would, leaving the books on bus seats and at the back of cupboards, thereby fertilizing other buildings and growing new libraries. Sometimes people even bring books back to the library, which often contain crumbs and blobs of jam in the pages. This nourishes and fortifies the library helping it to grow big and strong. 

Libraries are a popular place for senior citizens to relax in. Seriously, they go there to read the paper, because it is cheaper than going to a café I suppose. Senior citizens feel safe and comfortable in the library. This is because libraries are always haunted by many ghosts, who the old people feel close to. That creepy feeling at the back of your neck? No, you’re not imagining it! That’s just your friendly local library ghost tucking the tag of your t shirt in because it was sticking out. Next time you see a library ghost, say hello and strike up a conversation. You may be surprised what you might find out!

In France, libraries are very different and are known as ‘bibliothèques’. These bibliothèques are less for borrowing books, and more for dancing, and meeting like-minded boys and girls. French youths will attend the bibliothèque on a Friday evening and enjoy a fun and healthy night of dancing, following by cigarettes and open-mouthed kissing. There are books at French bibliothèques but they are more or less all like this one:



Finally, there are only two other things to do at your local library. The first is to solve a mystery. Perhaps you’ve become entangled with a serial killer, maybe you’ve summoned a scary daemon, or maybe you just found out you’re adopted and you have a feeling your real family are secret Nazis- Well then! There is only one place for you, and that’s straight to the library on a dark and stormy night to open the biggest and heaviest book you can find. Libraries are great places for mystery solving as they are well equipped with mood lighting, shadows for things to lurk in, and stacks of books that contain dust and moths inside the pages, just waiting for you to blow them out. Sexy librarians are also useful for helping with this, as they know how to use ladders to reach the high shelves, where all the clues are placed.



So, now that you know all about your public library it’s time to visit one today! And remember, it’s less about unlocking the world of knowledge inside every book, than it is about dispensing library seeds out into the world. Go thither!