The best sports movies for people who don't like sport

I hate sport.

My body is not designed for high jumping and catching, and my mind refuses to have any interest in statistics and match points (I still don’t understand tennis. Game? Set? What’s a rally?). But I do like movies. And with the recent abundance of sports related pics like “The Blind Side” and “Invictus”, I thought I’d compile a list of films about sport, for people who HATE sport. Although I can appreciate the more ‘serious’ sports films about the triumph of the human spirit, I much prefer those which are kind of lame and weird. Maybe it’s because they are shameless tear jerkers, play for big laughs, or because they sometimes star Madonna. Whatever the reason, I may not be able to catch a ball, but I sure can appreciate these movies.

Cool Runnings (1993)

“Jamaica has a Bobsled team?”. They sure do. No one does a heart warming, inaccurate sports film like Disney, and they definitely delivered with this movie. Upon missing out on the Olympics, poor ol’ sprinter Derice enlists his pushcart driving best friend Sanka to start a bobsled team, and try out for the Olympics. And who would be better to help you achieve this goal than John Candy! Racial stereotypes aside, and the fact that they can’t seem to figure out what a bobsled is until half an hour into the movie, I loved "Cool Runnings" and its zany characters (favourite line- “I could watch that backside all day!”). Apparently, despite the depiction in the film of the whole bobsledding community hating the Jamaicans, they were actually really well supported and were even lent a bobsled by another team. Still, sublime.



 

Mighty Ducks (1992)

Emilio Estevez? A young Joshua Jackson? Queen sing-a-longs? There are so many things that make this movie work.  World weary attorney Gordon Bombay is sentenced to community service and ends up coaching a bunch of unruly tweens to ice hockey victory. And in "Mighty Ducks 2" they are so good they get into the Junior Goodwill Games! And beat ICEland! Throw in some excessive quacking and many an uplifting moment and you have yourself a great sports movie. Because you know what? Ducks fly together.

Remember the Titans (2000)

I think a key component of the sports movie for the not so sporty, is raw melodramatic emotion that makes you feel as though if Team (insert name here) don’t win the big game, well there is not much point in living. "Remember the Titans is set in a recently desegregated American high school, with Denzel Washington desperately trying to unite a racially divided team, and to survive the apparently vicious world of high school football. Safe to say, this is a huge guy-cry film with most of the touching moments involving the players playfully smashing their helmets together. And just when you think your safe, the film ends with a funeral. I dare you not to sob.
  

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

Ben Stiller and crew are responsible for perhaps one of my favourite stages of the sports film- the How-Funny-Is-Sport! genre. Step 1. Pick a ridiculous sport that, when taken seriously, reaches a whole new level of LOLz. Step 2- make sure the sport requires feminine and revealing uniforms (Blades of Glory, I bow to thee). Step 3- include a cameo from anybody from Arrested Development. That’s it. Dodgeballers and figure skaters everywhere will be offended by your level of mockery, but by golly you will have a hit on your hands!

 

A League of Their Own (1992)

You know when a movie is so ridiculous, so awful that you know you shouldn’t like it, but in a way you kind of admire it for being so shit? This is exactly how I feel about "A League of their Own". I don’t know what it is about Baseball movies, but they always seem to have the most overacted or implausible storylines, case in point “Angels in the Outfield” where angels sent from God assist a team in winning the championship (the tagline for the film is seriously “It could happen”). A league of their own tells the story of the establishment of a women’s baseball league in the 1940s, led by team captain Geena Davis and coach Tom Hanks. Safe to say that hilarity ensues once the women folk realise that professional sport is not all fun and games. Also, there is a really good running joke that Madonna is a slut.




Bend it like Beckham (2002)

Girl Power! Or something! Even if you detest sport (and Keira Knightly if you’re anything like me), you have to appreciate that a) the fact that a movie centred around women’s sports doesn’t resort to objectifying its stars ala Girlfight, b) the supporting cast of soccer mad Jessminder’s family and Jule’s Sporty Spice fearing mother are bloody hilarious and c) that it intelligently comments on the nature of a not quite racially integrated Britain. Plus the soccer scenes are always to an upbeat Bollywood soundtrack, which makes them much more bearable.