I love the Oscars more than words can express. From Doogie Howser in sequins to Uncle Alec and Steve making Hitler jokes, I relish every moment and pray for the day when I’m allowed somewhere near the inner sanctum (in my dreams I’m a seat warmer who charms a director, probably Wes Anderson, who demands that I am given a job as a scriptwriter- I also write scripts in this fantasy).
But one thing that has always puzzled me about the awards is this mysterious group who hold the greatest power of the night, and who many a tearful winner seem desperate to thank: the Academy. Who makes up this body of voters? Do they have jumpers with “Academy” embroidered on them? Do they have a secret handshake? Free Botox benefits? Is there a club house? Is this it?
So after doing a little research, I have figured out a failsafe plan to become a part of this world. And hey, if this fails then maybe I’ll sell my soul and appear in a badly acted teen cult flick and gain an invitation on hype alone. Worked for R. Patz.
1. Be successful, but not in a way that threatens people. Dakota Fanning = OK. Woody Allen = not OK.
2. Make it clear that although you want to throw some foreign films (British) in the mix, essentially you will favour American films. The moodier the better.
3. Did you know that there's 5, 777 members in the Academy? And that to become a member you have to be ‘sponsored’ by an existing member and submit a reference letter? And that only 100 people get asked a year? You didn’t? Then you probably won’t become a member.
4. Vote for Meryl Streep. In any category.
5. Every five years, vote for a Best Picture that is a) not American or b) not moody. That’ll fool those showbiz clowns into thinking that anyone can win. What a bunch of chumps.
