So,
Channel Five in the UK has been screening a documentary series called
Strangelove, which focuses on "extreme relationships".
Last week's episode was called
My car is my lover and it featured "men who have emotional and physical relationships with their cars".
...
...This is not a joke, peoples. There really are some blokes out there who cast aside the concept of a human partner, and literally embrace a four-wheeled one instead. They've even come up with a name for people who make love to their cars - they're called "mecaphiliacs".
.. At this point I would like to interject with some freakin' questions:
1. What happens if the car gets pregnant? Does it give birth to a whole fleet of tiny Matchbox cars?
2. Do pre-1980 cars make more "high maintenance" girlfriends than post-1980?
3. If these guys strip off and get out of their car while it's in the carwash, is it a little bit like partying in a jacuzzi with a human girlfriend?
4. Is a trip to a car yard like an outing to a strip club for these gents?
Viewers of
My car is my lover are introduced to Edward Smith, who has taken care of his lover, a 1974-era VW Beetle named "Vanilla" for the
past 26 years. “The minute I saw this car, I fell in love with her,” he
says. “Almost every inch of her body has a certain sense of beauty.”
In his remote home in Washington state, Smith dedicates his time to
caring for Vanilla and composing car-themed love songs on his keyboard.
He reveals that his taste for mechanical love extends to a fascination
with aircraft – and even claims to have made love to
Airwolf, the high-tech helicopter from the 1980s TV series of the same name.
In the documentary, Smith embarks on a road trip to meet another
mecaphile, 20 year old Jordan. They chat online about their shared
fantasies, but live at opposite ends of the States. So they decide to
drive across America to meet at their chosen destination: a car
convention. Obvs.
Now, watch the clip. If the bit where he talks about buffing off the "love smudges" doesn't make you feel strange, then there's something wrong with you.