We humans invented the internet, the laser, the TV, the car, the pill and the computer. Sometimes we can actually be pretty smart. And yet for all the scientists, entrepreneurs, inventers, designers and engineers dreaming up stuff such as edible race cars, spiderweb silk and direct brain-to-Twitter feeds, there is someone, somewhere out there who thinks that what humanity really needs is camel toe guards, butt-shaping undies and laser bras.

 

1. Faveo’s D+ Perk Ups

Women didn’t actually burn their bras back in 1968. More than 30 years later it might be time to get out the kero and matches. Backless tops are great. Breast support is also great. But why does the solution have to look like a medieval torture device?

 

2. The Peekaru

There’s not much that is fashionable about parasitic twins. Same deal with Alien-like scenarios where bloody creatures burst from Kane’s chest. Yet the makers of the Peekaru, a fleece vest for adults to wear and babies to snuggle in, think it’s a-ok for baby to poke its head out of its parent’s chest and scare the crap out of everyone.

 

3. Enlighted Design’s Sculpted Nerve Bra  

What is it about breasts that makes designers want to get out the vernier calipers? We’ve had the convertible bra, the U-bra, the stick on chicken fillets and the all-wire, no cup bra. Now it’s time for the Sculpted Nerve Bra. And if the name wasn’t enough to make your nipples involuntarily retract, the picture should do the trick. It’s not quite Lazertits but it sure is shiny.

 

4. Isabel Mastache penis pants

Unless making someone look like a complete dick is inventive, this isn’t quite an invention. It’s more like a design theme gone very wrong, but there has to be something in this list for the boys. Thanks for the memories, Madrid Fashion week and Isabel Mastache.

 

5. Bye Bye Lines

While men’s underwear companies such as AussieBum are busy creating ball-defining jocks called the Animal, the Banana and the Wonderjock, women’s underwear makers are helping females hide their horrifyingly unsightly bits down under. Enter Bye Bye Lines, yet another piece of plastic that is inserted into underwear to guard against camel toe. Because buying well-fitting trousers really does require a certain kind of genius.

 

6. Belma Arnautovic’s sweet shoes

Sweaty feet + food = a taste sensation according to Fergie and Sarajevo's designer Belma Arnautovic.

 

7. Bumpits

Bums and pits aren’t usually places where you find luscious hair. And you certainly don’t want volume in those crevices. Yet US stylist Kelley Fitzpatrick answered the call of Snooki and invented the Bumpit in 2007. A piece of plastic that is inserted in the hair to create volume, the Bumpit supposedly allows women to go from flat to fabulous in seconds. Snooks would have totally scored Keith if she had a Bumpit.

 

8. Innovativa Calzón con relleno atrás

So it looks like even Madame Tussauds can’t recreate Kim Kardashian’s curves. Her recently-unveiled wax figure looked a little lacking in the baby got back. Fortunately, there is a solution for her doppelganger’s soccer mom arse – Innovativa’s Calzón con relleno atrás. This South American company has all kinds of booty lifting devices, from push up jeans to padded undies, for the truly attenuated arse.

 

9. Tampurse

I just don’t need a sparkly tampon holder.

 

10. Lace trimmed modesty panel/Bosom Buttons

As if 15 years of Catholic education didn’t teach me enough about chastity (sure, insert Catholic priest joke here), watching Brides of Christ back in the 1990s sure taught me a lesson. When the girls went to the school dance the nuns tucked modesty panels down their tops. Didn’t help that slutty blonde girl who ended up getting caught shagging in the bushes. The shame! If only she’d had a $17 lace modesty panel, or even a Bosom Button to hold her top together. Again, because buying a well-fitting top clearly requires a special kind of genius.