As a music head (official term) I have an unreasonable sensitivity to background music. I can't stop listening to it. If I'm in a restaurant and the music's too loud, or ridiculous, I have to leave. For the duration of one data monkey job, I had to gaffa tape a piece of cardboard over the speaker stationed directly above my head, after management said they "couldn't turn it down". Actually, there's some background music on where I am right now and it's making me want to drive a fork into my corneas. I'm trying to write and all I can think is; "that crash cymbal was really out of character". It's crazy. I can't help it.

I don't watch much TV because of this affliction. Not withstanding that much of what's on prime time Australian TV is imbecilic dross and an affront to humans as a species, but that the music - and the misuse of it - drives me to distraction.

So it is with this new "cooking show" series of Masterchef. Now a friend of mine once worked with one of the judges, Matt Preston, and I've met him once or twice. So we were both keen to see how he fared in front of the camera. Plus, I heard that the original UK version of the show was actually pretty great. In that, you know, it inspired people, made them want to cook. So being that it was a cooking show, I figured that it couldn't push the same apoplectic buttons that other reality shows induce with their cast of characters seemingly gripped by the onscreen discovery of the air between their ears. It's not so much the actual contestants and their "feats" that maddens, it's the way the visual lard is processed. Dumb, cheap, oversimplified, melodramatic, obvious, artfully squeezing away any flicker of bean in these apparently real life people. Oh yeah, and the music. The fucking music.

Masterchef Australia is made by the production company Fremantle Media. Fremantle Media's idea of music in reality TV shows involves Microsoft Songsmith levels of musicianship, thought and technical skill. Like a drugged, impaired child holding a hammer over a puppy's head, here's the process they use to employ music on their show:

Backwards cymbal rise
Use: Tension building/thought arising

 Tom Tom drums
Use: Important time coming.

Long ominous piano drones
Use: OMG I wonder if they're going to like anything this person has done yes probably because she/he is young/hot

Guitar solos/Major chords/Strings
Use: To relate glory, usually over contestant winning something/getting through to the next round/having a judge say "Unfortunately...you're not going to be able to go....home...BECAUSE YOU'RE STAYING HERE FOR THREE MONTHS!!! (x4756245876 throughout an episode) - cue weeping, groin thrusting, vein pop

The real stuff up here is what the music on Masterchef (and any other of these cookie cutter reality show abortions) fails to do. Which is reveal some semblance of humanity. Why have the audience be touched by the sight of someone crying when you can punch them in the face with a string section? Why let a contestants personality bubble to the surface when you can frame them as a villain via drums pounding in a reverb chamber? Why reveal the stark emotional "journey" (*retch*) of someone being told that their dreams and talents actually hold up in the "real world" (.beta) when you can tell us via Coldplay-esque strings and moody synth swells that THEY'RE COMING TO SYDNEY? WHY SHOW ANY FOOD OR GENUINE SKILL WHEN YOU CAN SCREEN PEOPLE IN A ROOM THINKING? (Cue: Band Instrument - Synth Pad - "Serena Swirl" - Garageband V.2)

What's even worse, is that they had the BBC's proven template to work from. And they still fucked it up.

In this snippet from the BBC version, we have judges tasting contestants food and responding to it. In silence. No music, no signposts, no ham fisted cues. Yes, there's a flash of drum n bass when the voice over comes in but it respectfully gets out of the way when the food is on show. Here's another:


Masterchef - UK

Now we have a bit from the second episode of the Australian Series. You only need watch - and listen - 2 minutes in, to realise the awful music. never. stops. Ever.


Masterchef - Episode 2, Part 6

What did he cook? And how? I can't remember. I do know now that someone at Fremantle Media is in an editing suite right now trying to find the right tone of minor key piano drones for that gripping part coming up where someone walks for 30 seconds in a hall while Matt Preston "thinks".

Bummer. I was keen to watch this show but if I persist I can't say I'll be responsible for my actions. Tell Mum I loved her.