Here it is people, the moment that perhaps some of you have been waiting for with mild anticipation for some of the last three days: the final countdown of the five worst humans currently strolling the Earth. Actually, they probably less "stroll" the Earth than they do destroy it, but "currently destroying the Earth" makes them sound a little like Deceptacons...

Onwards!

5. Islam Karimov (President of Uzbekistan)



In Part One, I described Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, the President of Turkmenistan, as heading up "the most repressive regime in a generally repressive region". I lied. Meet Islam Karimov, the President of Uzbekistan. Looks like a genial old due, right? Yeah, surprisingly, not so much.

When the USSR dissolved in 1991, Karimov became the first President of the newly liberated Uzbekistan with 86% of the vote. Cue much gladness, celebration in the street, AK-47s fired into the sky, etc.  Then in 1995 he rammed through a "referendum" extending his term until 2000. Cue slightly less gladness and celebration, and a bit more in the way of casual violence and random imprisonments. And then in 2000 he decisively won an "election" against a Karimov-sanctioned opposition leader who admitted he was in it just to give the vote the sheen of democracy and that he himself had in fact voted for Karimov. I imagine the victory celebrations were reasonably muted, but as much as anything that's probably because by this point Karimov had ruthlessly crushed all forms of free assembly. In 2007 he was elected to a Constitutionally illegal third term, this time beating out three candidates who all began their campaign speeches by heavily praising Karimov.

Seriously, why do these regimes even bother?

Turn-ons: Torture, boiling people alive, ruling with an iron fist, killing, sham elections, arbitrary detention, puppies

Turn-offs: religious expression, political opposition, the peasantry, getting caught in the rain

Summary: The dude had two people BOILED A-FUCKING-LIVE. What more do you want?

4. Ali Khamenei (Supreme Leader of Iran)



I always love it when autocratic leaders decide that a mere 'President' will not do for them. Oh no, they need something grander. Something that really expresses exactly how much power they wield over everyone below them. And you gotta admit, there ain't no arguing with Ali Khamenei, SUPREME LEADER of Iran. Yeah, don't listen to all those other leaders, this guy is the SUPREME one. And if you mess with him, he will mess with you. By imprisoning you, torturing you and extracting from you a false confession of "Offenses Against the National and International Security of the Country". Yikes.

Having been in varying positions of power since 1981, Khamenei has had plenty of time to ratchet up his awful human points. As President of Iran in the 1980s, Khamenei oversaw a brutally repressive phase in the Islamic Republic's existence, full of informants, imprisonment and perhaps as many as 30 000 executions, as well as supervising the country's savage war with Iraq, a conflict that led to the increasing militarisation of Iran's society and the current centrality of the quite horrendous Revolutionary Guard. In 1989 Khamenei moved neatly into the role of Supreme Leader, essentially taking the powers of the President with him and commencing what has now become almost two decades of absolute power. And boy has he used it well, snuffing out - often in quite brutal fashion - the free press, women's rights, gay rights and religious and political freedom, while relying heavily upon torture, amputation and arbitrary detention as cornerstones of the criminal justice system. He is also amenable to the use of violence against women and children if that's what it takes to crush a student protest.

Summary: Proof, if ever it was needed, that the people who believe the most fervently in religion are those you need to keep as far away as is humanly possible from the reins of power.

3. Than Shwe (Head of State for Burma/Myanmar)
 

A little closer to home now, we have Than Shwe, Commander-in-Chief of the Tatmadaw (Burma's army), chairman of the State Peace and Development Council (the official name of Burma's military junta) and bocce enthusiast (I almost definitely made that up). Most people's primary contact with Burmese politics has come in the shape of oft-detained Nobel laureate, politician and democratic advocate Aung San Suu Kyi. Well, Than Shwe is the guy she's up against. If she was She-Ra, he'd be Hordak... I do feel kinda bad reducing the struggle of the Burmese people to a 1980s cartoon plot device, but, well, here we are. And just recently, it has been reported that the junta has declared that political parties cannot run in this year's (almost sure to be rigged) election if a candidate has a court conviction. So, uh, that sounds legitimate. Goodbye Aung San Suu Kyi.

Than Shwe has all the usual hallmarks of an expert in assholery, being well known for his systematic imprisonments, tortures and rapes, as well as his passion for forced labour. By the peasantry, not him. He also enjoys profound media censorship, control of the judiciary, secret police and hanging with his army buddies. Extra points for a) staging a diamond-slathered wedding for his daughter whilst the people of his country starved; and b) in 2008 preventing much-needed aid from getting through to those affected by Cyclone Nargis; it is estimated up to 200 000 people died in the cyclone, potentially quite a number of them due to the immediate absence of food, medical care and clean water. Nice work, Than!

Summary: He is Hordak, king of the Evil Horde

2. Robert Mugabe (President of Zimbabwe)



Robert Mugabe. Seriously, what an abominable fucknugget. Like I just want to punch his oddly ageless face so hard that it moves backwards through time. That would give me some measure of satisfaction. It'd be like Back to the Future, but with my fist playing the role of the Delorean.

I was in Southern Africa recently, and there are Robert Mugabe St/Dv/Av signs dotted about all over the place. These have not aged well. But that's the worst part about Mugabe: he didn't used to be evil. He used to be one of the most revered figures in African post-colonial history. A man who was not only instrumental in throwing off the yokes of English control, but who also led wisely in the aftermath of their liberation to the point where in the 1990s Zimbabwe became the envy of Southern Africa, renowned for its impressive education system and comparatively high standard of living.

And then Mugabe seemed to have an aneurysm and, for little apparent reason, decided that the country wasn't free enough yet. No. The whites still controlled too much. So he stole the land and property of the white farmers and then, rather than actually doing anything with it, he just let the crops die. Cut to a few years later and the economy has collapsed, the currency is worthless, the people are starving to death, AIDS is beyond rampant, life expectancy for both men and women has dropped below 40 and violent political repression is rife. And through it all Mugabe maintains, gazing over his decaying country approvingly, rigging elections, braying about the evils of colonialism and spending obscene amounts of money on shopping trips for his wife.

Man, I want to punch him so good.

Summary: He's 86. WHY WON'T HE JUST DIE?!

1. Kim Jong-il (Supreme Leader of North Korea)



And here we have it. The single biggest insult to the past few hundred million years of evolution that the human race can currently master. Kim Jong-"Mother fucker, I'm"-il, overlord of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. I assure you, only one of the words in that name is even close to being true. But you have to give the man credit: nobody else on Earth has had the sheer force of will and absolute dedication to evil required to maintain a Stalinist regime in this day and age. But Kim Jong-il has. Because under the guidance of Kim Jong-il and his now deceased father (but still official Eternal President) Kim Il-Sung, North Korea has become the most controlled, reclusive and reprehensibly governed country on the planet. Stalin would have been proud.

We don't even really know the true scale of the atrocities committed within because the concept of free travel doesn't exist in North Korea. When you arrive, you are assigned a guide, and then that guide shows you only what Kim Jong-il wants you to see. Even so, the reports aren't encouraging. Vistors tell of empty cityscapes and abandoned countryside, a nation being governed back into an almost pre-industrial age through widespread poverty, a profound misallocation of resources and intense repression. During the 1990s a famine about which the regime chose to do essentially nothing (except to blame it on America) claimed up to 2 million lives. Forced labor camps, imprisonment and torture are rife. There is no such thing as an independent press or even something that could be called "politics". The only ideas that can be spoken are those pronounced by Kim Jong-il himself - usually broadcast through the permanently on radios that are installed in every house. I could go on, and on, and on. And on. (For more fun facts, here's a list of 14 things you didn't know about North Korea and another list of the 11 craziest Kim Jong-il moments. What a great place.)

In essence though, Kim Jong-il, his father and their cronies have spent the last few decades trying to eradicate any scrap of what it means to be human from the lives of their subjects. They have no pity nor care for the well-being of the country they rule and are only concerned with the continuity of their own control. Their power is absolute, their brutality unmetered. Also, Kim Jong-il reportedly injects himself with the blood of virgins in order to stay young. And that's just icky.

All of which I feel comes together to make the conclusion reasonably inescapable: Kim Jong-il, you quite simply are the worst human in the world.

Bar none.

Congratulations.

I'll send you a certificate or something.

Asshole.

MISSED PART 1? READ IT NOW.