Oh, Silvio Berlusconi you simply have to stop being so amazing. Seriously, if you keep up this level of character-driven comedy, you're going to find yourself jetting straight to the top of my 'Favourite Despots' list. Alongside Vladimir "The Human Truncheon" Putin, Kim Jong-"Mother Fucker I'm"-Il and Muammar "Hat of the Week" al-Gaddafi. And yes, I know he's not technically a despot (well, neither is The Human Truncheon), but he does own somewhere in the vicinity of 50% of Italy's media, so I wouldn't call his various stints in power entirely democratic. His various stints being 1994-5, 2001-2006 and 2008-now. Let it never be said that the man took defeat seriously.

So, most recently, Silvio has found himself in hospital after a deranged man threw a statuette at his face during a rally in Milan. You don't get that in Australian politics. I mean, there was that one time Bob Hawke sculled a beer in front of an entire wing of the MCG, but that's kinda different. According to the police, they're not entirely sure as yet what said statuette was made of, although it has left Berlusconi 'shaken and demoralised'. They don't specify what the statuette actually was either, but I like to imagine it was a Daytime Emmy. The incident is also notable largely for the fact that this is one of the few times in the past decade and a half where Silvio Berlusconi has made it into the papers through no fault of his own. With that said, the amount of negative press the man accrues is quite remarkable when you consider the fact that he owns most of the mainstream media outlets.

Quite obviously Silvio is doing something right. I mean, the man is essentially a walking sex scandal. Set against a week where Tiger Woods has seen a billion dollar personal empire undone by his wayward penis (seriously, 12 mistresses? Shit was like an advent calendar), it is rather astonishing to consider the scale of wrongdoing that Berlusconi has idly brushed aside during his time in power. Imagine, if you will, that Kevin Rudd was heavily implicated in fraud and treason charges, may have entered politics largely to avoid bankruptcy, had transparent links to the criminal underworld, owned Channels 7, 9 and 10, as well as The Australian, had a penchant for racist banter, consorted with prostitutes and stashed his party with attractive young women that had little to no political experience... Actually, that does make him sound slightly more interesting, but the point remains. Silvio Berlusconi could not kill his career if he tried. And he has. So freaking much. The 'Controversies' section of Berlusconi's Wikipedia article runs to 6336 words in 14 parts. Rudd's, on the other hand, doesn't exist. Berlusconi's career is like a suicide note that has taken so long to write that the author simply died of natural causes. It really is a wonder to behold.

We can probably afford to duck out of this post without any real, informative content (but I do hope I've at least piqued your interest), so instead enjoy a happy assortment of Silvio's greatest gaffes. Prince Phillip wishes he was this wantonly offensive:

"Mr Schulz, I know a movie producer in Italy who is making a movie about Nazi concentration camps. I will recommend you for the role of a Kapo. You are perfect for the part!" (2003, in response to criticism from a German member of the European Parliament)
"Mussolini never killed anyone... [he] sent people on holiday to confine them" (2003, an interview with The Spectator. It's probably safe to say Mussolini killed quite a few people. He also played a mean game of tennis. Before he killed you.)
"Read the Black Book of Communism and you will discover that in the communist China of Mao, they did not eat children, but had them boiled to fertilise the fields" (2006, responding to criticism over a previous statement that "Communists used to eat children". Stoke that fire, Silvio!)
"You have a nice tan... hold me close and call me 'Papa'" (2009, to an African priest, during a visit to a camp for some of the 30 000 people who lost their homes in the L'Aquila earthquake. He later suggested that these people should view the occasion as a "camping weekend"... This one probably doesn't need a snide comment.)
I could go on. The list is... well stocked, and doesn't even take into account the otherwise generally awesome nature of his regular public pronouncements (i.e. "I sincerely believe I am by far the best prime minister Italy has had in its 150-year history" or "I'm the universal record-holder for the number of trials in the entire history of man -- and also of other creatures who live on other planets"). The consistency and range is intimidating. But basically boils down to the fact that a Silvio news day is a good day.

But now, in parting, and just to keep my multimedia credentials intact, I'll leave you with a video of Berlusconi dry-humping an unwitting parking inspector. For some reason. Such a classy guy. Oh man, I am totally crushing.