Gosh, the deposition of Kevin Rudd was exciting, wasn't it? The drama, the intrigue, the flaming red beacon of hope at the end of it all. The next day we watched his awkward, bumbling and all too human concession speech and shed a quiet tear. And then we watched her acceptance speech and thought "Yes, yes, this is real. This is something we can believe in. This childless, unmarried atheist from Altona is our Obama". Immediately the polls reversed and the right order of the world was restored. You know, the order where Tony Abbott is dumped ceremoniously from his party to hang out with Costello and Nelson and Latham in the 'Let's Face It, It Was Never Going to Happen Club'. I mean, let's be honest, it was touch and go with Tony there for a little bit. In my darker moments I had started to have visions of Tony Abbott meeting Angela Merkel for the first time and announcing to a shocked media how cute it was to see a chick in charge. But then in the space of fourteen hours, it was done. The rot was excised with surgical precision and now we'll always be able to say that we ousted a Prime Minister in less time than it takes to play a match of tennis.

But the best part of the whole fiasco was that the Labor apparatchiks (or "warlords" as the media has taken to calling them, apparently confusing them with tribal leaders in southern Afghanistan) had just installed as Prime Minister a member of the Labor Party's Left faction, a side of the party that has spent the last decade or so being roughly as effective as a BP spill containment project. BAM! Oh, so topical! I"m wrapping topicality within topicality! How do you like THAT topical ointment?! Does it soothe?! And such and such.

But surely, we thought, surely the installation of J-Gill (potential campaign slogan: hoist Abbott's petard for Julia Gillard!... perhaps not) would herald a new turn towards a progressive polity. A land of milk and honey and gay marriage. For everyone, no matter how straight. A place where refugees and newly taxed miners hung out together and sang happy songs of joy and understanding over some refreshing, tasty, carbon neutral beers. It was all so close we could smell it.

So. What have we learnt over the last ten days then? Besides the fact that Bettina Arndt should probably have her typing fingers confiscated?

...

The Mining Tax

Julia was out of the gates well, calling for a ceasefire in the increasingly brutal war of advertising that had broken out between the Government and the mining companies. Which wasn't so much a ceasefire as it was a desperate declaration of surrender. I mean, it was a goddamn massacre in there.



A Spanish massacre... for some reason.

So, she managed to get the ads off her back for a little while and then hit the negotiating table. And came out with a result that actually seems, well, OK. Sure it's not quite as admirable and aspirational as Kev's 'Mining Money For All' policy, but it still represents a general increase in money received and, most importantly of all, neutralises the tax debate once and for all. So that we can talk about something else. Like puppies.

What's Going Down in Tony Town: Has declared that the next election will be a "referendum on tax". With all the major players besides Tony in agreement on the matter, riding this bad boy to the next election would be the most outrageous reanimation of a corpse since Weekend at Bernie's II. The most ill-advised too. That film was dire.

...

The Emissions Trading Scheme

The what now?

Tony Town: MOAR CARBON, MOARRRRRR!

...

Those Filthy Reffos

And would you believe it? From all reports, Julia, our paragon of leftist politics, despises these queue-jumping terrorists even more than Kev did. Perhaps even as much as Tony "Nauru'll Teach 'Em" Abbott. Actually, probably not as much as that. Still, it was pretty galling to hear Gillard say on Sunday:

"I'd like to sweep away any sense that people should close down any debate, including this debate, through a sense of self-censorship or political correctness... People should feel free to say what they feel. For people to say they're anxious about border security doesn't make them intolerant. It certainly doesn't make them a racist - it means they're expressing a genuine view."

And I have a genuine view that black people are genetically inferior to white folk. I read it in a book. Glad to know that doesn't make me racist. I was worried there for a bit. I'm gonna go tell all my friends. "Genuine view" is an awfully broad rule to live by. And look, it may just be me, but a cursory glance at the letters page of your average newspaper should be enough to dissuade anyone of the opinion that we are somehow being enslaved by the laws of political correctness on the question of refugees. In fact, if there is a single issue currently plaguing Australian politics that would benefit more from having a politically correct muzzle strapped over the voluble streams of ignorance geysering from the mouths of people who have no fucking idea, then surely refugees would be it.

Policy hasn't been announced yet, but looks like it's gonna be all about the forcible repatriation. Flying desperate humans home at vast expense and depositing them in the caring arms of the Afghani/Sri Lankan Government. Always a good look.

Tony Town: Ain't no party like a Nauru party. Because at a Nauru party we all gaze longingly at the gigantic strip mine where our phosphorous deposits once lay and wonder if we can convince any other countries to give us their "tired, poor and huddled masses yearning to be free" for some sweet cash money.

...

Gay Marriage

A childless, unmarried atheist would surely have no reason to object to gay marriage right? WRONG. Now I'm not sure what her reason is, but she certainly believes it. Which to be honest is actually more reprehensible than Abbott or Howard or Rudd objecting to it because a book that also recommends stoning to death adulterers has something against it. At least they can cower behind their faith. I presume Gillard is just cowering behind political expediency.

Tony Town: "I’d probably say I feel a bit threatened" by gay people. Now there's a quote that will just never look good.

...

Summary

Yes, I get it. She's playing a political game. And playing it well too. By shifting to the right and neutralising all contentious issues she shuts off Abbott's role as the forceful opposition and thus throws into stark relief the fact that a vote for the Liberal party is in fact a vote for the person of Tony Abbott. Cock jocks and all. And she's also probably wary of really kicking new policies into high gear because of the whole 'lack of a democratic mandate' thing. Right now she needs to keep riding this wave of post-Rudd goodwill all the way to the election and then after that she can do as she will. But of course, the question is, will she? If she bows to the conservative elements of the party now, then it's going to be increasingly difficult for her to strike out in a unique and perhaps inspirational direction when she actually gets voted in. Which she will. Barring the revelation that Julia and Tim are actually space aliens from outer space with plans to harvest humans for nutrients to send back to their homeland in space, poor Tony is dead in the water.

Which is good. I guess. But all in all, this really just illustrates again the spectacularly pragmatic nature of Australian politics. Not for us talk of hope or change or things we can believe in. For us it's just an endless run toward the ever expanding middle ground, a zone that is still, apparently, being defined by John Howard. Although, at least with Gillard we're in danger of having a reasonably vibrant election campaign. So, that's something.

You know what? I say bring back Turnbull. He had charm. He had charisma. And with a moderate Liberal at the helm maybe then we'd get to see if Gillard really was right. BAM! Puns to finish! Get it in ya!...

I'll let myself out.