You know, I thought it was all going to be done with last Saturday. I really did. And I was glad. By the time  election day itself rolled into view I was so over it all that even the prospect of Prime Minister Abbott didn't really phase me any more. I just wanted things to be done with once and for all and for the rest of us to just go back to doing what we do best: caring about sub-par reality TV creations and watching muscled up men chase inflated leather husks around a paddock.

Although, perhaps there was a lot at stake. Taiwanese television definitely seemed to think so.



But sweet mother democracy had different plans. An account of the night of August 21, 2010.

And lo was there a wailing and gnashing of teeth and all around were desperate cries of "No, Tony, noooooooo". And then they ran out of breath because, God, this was just going on forever wasn't it and why didn't Labor just concede anyway? And then they had another beer or two and suddenly all were dancing to the Grease Megamix which, sure, they didst say they wouldst never dance to again, but oh well, fuckst it, one is only young once and really who cares because they voted Greens and they won in Melbourne, so who gives a shit about the country and hello you're kind of pretty did I tell you I voted below the line. If you want I can vote below... your line. And this produced as much result as the election did and as was usual for a Saturday night they didst go to bed alone, crying and hugging the pillow to their chest like it was an Academy Award for loneliness.

And then they woke up and they were all like hungover owl.



But even then we still didn't have a Prime Minister. Ugh. And all thought: ah, screw it, some bacon will make us feel better. And, lo, it did.


And so here we are, pretty much five full days later and only marginally closer to having something that could call itself Government. But I think the true novelty of this entire fiasco has been the way in which - strangely enough - we've ended up with both the election result that this campaign deserved, and a result that is roughly commensurate with the mood of the electorate i.e. neither party deserved to win and nobody really cared if they did. Democracy: it does work!

Of course, the big story  has been the rise of the independents, a previously overlooked and generally ridiculous class of Parliamentary participants, that I totally ignored despite writing not one, but two separate articles on ways to vote for things that weren't the major parties.  Which does make me realise that perhaps my writings aren't necessarily of broad electoral significance. Sigh. One day, Luke. One day.

Not to say that I was entirely ignorant of them though. I mean, you always knew the independents were there, kinda like your mute cousin Benny at Christmas lunch. But you just never thought they'd do anything important. Like the time your mute cousin Benny was caught nut deep in the Christmas turkey. So, who are these magical men and wom-... men who hold the future of Australia so firmly in their grasp?



Bob Katter is pretty much the go to point for "They don't make 'em like that in the city" sentiment. Reliably nuts, election after election Katter has consolidated his hold on the seat of Kennedy, to the point where in this election just past he picked up 75% of the vote. Probably due to bold advertising campaigns such as this.



Apparently Australia's Far North = America's Deep South when it comes to political advertising.



Always good for a soundbite, Katter this week was heard bemoaning Parliament's answer to learning disabilities, Barnaby Joyce, as "a piece of incredible unfortunateness" and there is some suggestion that he threatened to have Peter Lindsay, the former Member for Herbert, killed. I was talking to someone last night who worked as Katter's (much ignored) media adviser for a year, and he told me about a time that Katter submitted his community Christmas message to the local paper, a message which, in the space of a few hundred words, managed to launch from Martin Luther King Jr to the music of Bach to memories of his daughter picking apples in 1985 to FUCKING CYBORGS. Yep, Robo-Santa is coming for you, kids.

Who he's likely to side with: His beloved cat, Nibbles.



Andrew Wilkie seems like an eminently sensible point of contrast to Katter's many, many excesses. Known primarily for being the whistleblower on the gaping flaws and gaps in the intelligence Howard used to justify our invasion of Iraq, Wilkie seems like the kind of guy you want in Parliament simply to ask difficult questions of people. Just yesterday, as Australia lost another soldier in Iraq, prompting both leaders to comment on how awful it was, yet how it proved the need to stay the course so as to defeat terrorism, Wilkie could be heard in the background saying "Well, do we really? Maybe this is a cause we need to reassess." I mean, just look at that picture. So serious. So stern. I'd entrust him with my children and I don't even know the man.

Who he's likely to side with: Probably Labor, but has already said his support will be limited solely to support on budget and "unwarranted" no confidence motions. Mmm. Reliable.



Adam Bandt. He's with The Greens. He'll side with Labor. The whole party will, I imagine. And I know Bob Brown has said "We're talking to both parties", but I think outside of an ironclad guarantee by the Coalition that at some point The Greens can put Abbott in stocks and have the assembled townsfolk pelt rotten fruit at him, it ain't going to happen.

Who he's likely to side with: Labor



Rob Oakeshott has been a rather quiet Parliamentary force since he arrived via by-election in 2008 (you get more pictures of Katter than you do of him when you put his name in to Google Image search), so I imagine he must be a little overcome at suddenly finding himself in such an absurdly influential position. Perhaps that was the cause of his claim this week that a two-party Unity Cabinet could be the way out of this mess. Here's an artist's impression



Who he's likely to side with: As an ex-National, the Coalition would seem to be a neater "ideological" fit (whatever that might mean these days), but aspects of Labor policy such as the NBN, e-health and a willingness to do whatever the hell he wants them to do, might tilt him over the edge.



Tony Windsor is another of the embittered ex-Nationals, cast out from the party in 1991 after notching up a drink driving charge just before the state election. He hails from rural NSW and has been in charge there for close to two decades now, at both State and Federal level. And, I'll be honest, I've never paid any attention to the man, nor necessarily realised he existed up until this point, so I'm just going to refer you straight on to his Wikipedia page.

Who he's likely to side with: His animosity toward the Nationals isn't quite as virulent as Katter's, so given his rural background it would seem a likelihood that the Coalition would be his preferred option. But as with Oakeshott, his emphasis is on regional development (whereas Australian politics has spent much of the past 20 years trying to pretend the country doesn't exist), so the NBN and its ilk could be a tempting option.

But, in the end, whatever happens in all these negotiations and back-and-forths and accusations and promises, there's always going to be one thing you can count on.

Oxygen.

Man, that isn't going anywhere.