Dear Lou,
I met a girl in a bar recently and offered to buy her a drink. She accepted, things were looking good, that is until the bill arrived and I didn’t have enough money to pay. She wasn’t too impressed. Surely it’s the thought that counts?
Dear Shortie,
Listen I once went home with a guy that offered to make me a glass of wine out of the sediment left in a box of goon and I still made out with him a couch covered in plastic sheeting, I think back in the day we called it ‘contact’ and covered our school books in it, so to be honest I really shouldn’t pass judgment on you or throw ‘stones in glass houses’ as they like to say, but given I now date men with jobs and properly upholstered furniture, stand still while I pass judgment on you.
It’s never the thought that counts, only the action – I made that up myself, write that down, I’m giving you gold here. I’m assuming the women you spoke to wasn’t a prostitute and as such you weren’t expecting anything in return for buying her a drink, so no harm no foul. If that was her breaking point and she was none too impressed then probably best you let her walk away, plenty of fish in the sea my old friend. But my guess is, as is often the case you mistook this lady for property and saw your promise of a drink as a business agreement of sorts, maybe something along the lines of you buying her a pot of VB at Happy Hour and she touching you under the bar stool, a far exchange you might proclaim!
I’m not sure what to tell you, so I’m going to put myself in your shoes. If I offered to buy a guy a drink and then realized I was a bit short well I’d hope my sparkling wit and promise of continued good conversation would get me across the line and hey if that failed I’d remind myself why they approached me in the first place; because I’m not their girlfriend, I remind them of their mother in a sexual way that lies just below the surface and have loose hands – everyone appreciates a good reach around - remember that and you’ll never come up short for a drink again.
Lou
x
Dear Lou,
Every time I start seeing someone new my friends ask after his ‘size’. Is this information I need to readily supply or is this something I should keep private?
Dear 'Get New Friends',
I often encounter this question and am yet to take my own advice on the matter, so go a head, trail blaze for me – start a website ranking them in texture and movement and if that fails and you still don’t know how to address your friends questions, tell them this:
‘I once had a car that was big and sure it looked great and could rear end people without chipping any paint work or taking out a headlight but it constantly conked out, used up too much fuel and wasn’t much on bang for buck, whereas my motorized scooter, well I can fold that up and take it on a tram if I want and drink a take away latte at the same time– does that answer your question?’
Preferably quote the above while playing darts and eating peanuts, the more indifferent you appear the cooler your cock and bull story will be.
Let me know how you go.
Lou
x
Dear Lou,
I work with a guy who constantly makes racist and sexist jokes. The problem is I once laughed at a harmless sexist joke he made and so now he considers me a ready made audiences for his jokes about Asians. How do I tell him I was fine with the sexist stuff but the racist stuff makes me uncomfortable?
Dear…'oh I’m not going to bother to name you…'
Reach a compromise. Ask him to tell you a joke about someone’s mum (maybe yours) who f**ked an asian while doing the ironing.
Hopefully your friendship is strong enough to get through this. It needs to, because if you don’t the mutual suicide pact I’m about to suggest for the both of you to rid humanity of the likes of both of you, well it just wouldn’t work properly…
Now, why don’t you grab your racist, sexist joke telling friend and find some matching stools and low hung rafters and two lengths of sturdy rope….don’t panic, I’m a woman, they’ll be a punch line, just be patient.
Lou
x
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