We’ve all had experiences with poor service but have we given poor patronage? Perhaps. In this article clever Michael Lallo promises restaurant folk anonymity in return for their juiciest stories. Here are a few of the best bits…
Baristas suffer similar woes. "I can't tell you the number who order things like a large, weak soy decaf cappuccino," says one. "We call it the 'why bother?' It's really just a case of people trying to express their personalities through their coffee."
This pop psychology assessment is surprisingly well-founded. Dealing with customers, as any front-of-house worker will tell you, requires skills in diplomacy, negotiation and counselling. As a result, many are proficient pseudo-psychiatrists and social commentators. That woman who summons the waiter, only to make him stand and watch while she peruses the menu again? She's passive-aggressive. That man who complains the wine is corked? He's trying to cultivate an air of sophistication to impress his date. That group of accountants who laugh too loudly? They want to overcome the stereotype.
Experienced waiters have also noticed some surprising behavioural trends. A decade ago, for example, diners would taste a dish to determine whether to season it. Now they apply lavish amounts of salt and pepper the moment it arrives - only to complain it has too much salt and pepper. They knowingly come half an hour before the restaurant opens and demand to be admitted. And if the water in their jug drops below the halfway mark, they react as though it's the oxygen that's running out.
"I can't understand why people panic over water!" says one exasperated waiter. "Relax, we'll top you up in a second. I think some customers would be more comfortable if I hooked them up to an IV drip. There seems to be this growing, irrational fear of dehydration."
Even more amusing are the inane queries. "You'd be surprised - you really would - at the number of educated, intelligent people who ask the most stupid questions," says one manager. "They say, 'Is the barramundi a fillet?' No, we're going to plonk a four-foot fish on your table. 'Do you have a bathroom?' No, but we have a bush out the back you're welcome to use. 'Do you have water?' Actually, you're in luck: we've just returned from the town well."
Michael Lallo, The Age