The honour of Most Shoplifted Book Ever changes constantly, but let’s agree that it generally hovers between books written by a bunch of dudes (Bukowski, Kerouac, Burroughs, Amis, DeLillo, Eugenides, etc) and the Bible, also written by a bunch of dudes (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, etc).

From this list you can probably define the general character of a bookshop shoplifter. (Drunk Christian Beat Poet.) But what about the internet shoplifter, which we dramatically refer to as A PIRATE! What are the books they think are worth stealing, and what can we deduce from the answer?

For an article published almost six months ago, this one has certainly been doing the rounds again over the last couple of days, and I am gonna jump on the bandwagon and dust it off too, because what else is my purpose in life but to recycle old material and rework it with some interesting facts about book publishing combined with a series of annoying diversionary tactics such as … Hey look! It’s Shampoo’s catchy hit song ‘Trouble’ from 1994!



I bet those girls never pirated a book illegally on the internet. They would have stolen it fair and square from a bookshop and then spilled red wine all over it before tearing it apart and chewing it up and spitting the globules out all over old ladies at the bus stop before running off to get their nails done.

Anyway, following on from the Ten Most Pirated Films of 2009 list, I am about to announce the Ten Most Pirated Books of 2009. Eight out of ten are all How To books, which seems to say something about what people are mostly looking for from e-books—advice, not fiction.

This is interesting because we're all very concerned about the future of the book. According to every single one of my friends and I, the book as a physical artifact will last FOREVER, but that's only four people in the entire world and we probably don't count for much in the larger scheme of things. However, it's hard to get over the fact that we are actually living in an episode of Beyond 2000, and if we can satisfy our bookish hunger in multifarious ways then we are obviously gonna take advantage of it.

So we read magazine articles on our iPhones (my friend Ben introduced me to Instapaper and I've never looked back) and we don't have to carry dictionaries and thesauruses around in our handbags anymore, which saves heaps on physio bills. Free e-book sites such as Project Gutenberg are amazing, but we use them more as a place to check things ('Was it "Call me Ishmael" or "Call me Bruce"?') rather than as bookshops because the physical buildings are still far preferable to online shopping due to the greater potential of meeting hot men there.

Authors are divided over the e-book thing. In some people's opinions, Simon and Schuster made a massive blunder when they delayed the release of the e-book version of Stephen King’s new title Under the Dome until four months after the hardback had come out—a pirated version was available within days anyway. And publishers have more reason to freak out ever since Amazon started crowing that more e-books were sold on Christmas Day than hard-copy books.

Paolo Coelho, one of the authors I thought I despised more than anyone else in this world, endeared himself to me in the most unexpected way (not that he requires any more fans) ever since I found out that he has a site called The Pirate Coehlo, which has links to free copies of his books. He cautions pirates with the following words of wisdom though, which—ALERT—will probably encourage you to FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! and help you DISCOVER THE TREASURE OF YOUR OWN SOUL!!!

In the case that you download a book and like it, I would suggest you to buy the book, so we can tell to the industry that sharing contents is not life threatening to the book business.

He has an excellent point, and as I have a huge stake in the book business myself—(I’m a massive Carly Simon fan and because her Dad co-founded Simon and Schuster I simply couldn’t listen to 'You’re So Vain' anymore without feeling sad if the company went bust)—I thank him for reminding us of that point. I still think his books are atrocious, though.

So, now to the list. I think we can safely say that the general character of an internet book pirate is a nerdy DIY-sort, who enjoys sex, Photoshop, and the occasional mass-market vampire novel. So the Everyman, really.

The Most Pirated Digital Books of 2009

1. The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra

2. Adobe Photoshop Secrets

3. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex

4. The Lost Notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci

5. Solar House: A Guide for the Solar Designer

6. Before Pornography: Erotic Writing In Early Modern England

7. Twilight: Complete Series

8. The Science Of Influence: How to Get Anyone to Say YES

9. Nude Photography: The Art And The Craft

10. Fix It: How To Do All Those Little Repair Jobs Around The Home