Oh, hi there Keith Richards!
Yes, we did hear you were writing your memoirs actually. Please allow us to introduce ourselves. As the sign on the door says, we are Take a PUNt. I know—good isn't it!
We offer Memoir Title-Creation Services to the stars. Stars like
you.
What, you didn't know we existed? Don't be coy, of course you did! Don't try to tell me you've just been sitting there becoming a celebrity your whole life and you never once lay back in the arms of 17 year-old twins while they took turns casually fellating you, and thought: "I wonder what I should call my memoirs when the time finally comes to get someone to ghost-write them for me?"
Here at Take a PUNt we work in many different areas—
newspaper headlines, Kathy Lette novels, etc—but by far our most popular work is in the realm of Celebrity Memoir Titles. Today, we want to show you what we can do for
you, Keith Richards!
How to think up a good celebrity memoir title
Basically, Keith (may I call you Keef?), when you're trying to think up a title for your celebrity memoirs, there are two ways you can go about it:
1. You can create a pun out of your own name.
This is arguably one of the most popular celebrity memoir approaches. Take a look at some of our earlier work:
(NB: May not work in markets that use the metric system.)
2. You can cleverly weave whatever it is you're known for—your catchphrase, your band name, etc—into your title.
Previous clients of this service include:
3. Finally, you can seamlessly combine both approaches into one
This works really well if you have a name like Tori:
Her next book—
unchartered terrTORI—is one of ours, too.
I know—good, isn't it!
IMPORTANT
Sometimes, a celebrity turns their back on the pun. When this happens, in our business we say they have "shunned the pun".
Here at "Take a PUNt', we believe
everyone is enTITLED to incorporate a pun into their celebrity memoir.
But recent trends suggest the pun is under threat by quite sensible and normal-sounding memoir titles.
We firmly believe that 'Pun Shunners', such as the celebrities below who will release books in 2010-2011, will only live to regret their decisions. We can help.
Pun Shunners, the title of their forthcoming memoir, and the name WE would have given it
CELEBRITY: Rob Lowe
MEMOIR TITLE: Stories I Only Tell My Friends
WHAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE: Are you kidding me? This one is such a missed opportunity. There are literally thousands of options:
"The Lowedown"
"Keeping a Lowe Profile"
"
Robsessed" (Yes, we've used this one before, but it's so good it can work a thousand times more.)
CELEBRITY: Soleil Moon Frye (aka Punky Brewster)
MEMOIR TITLE: Happy Chaos
WHAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE:
"Oh Soleil Can You See"
(Admittedly this would work much better if in the autobiography it was revealed that she had been born blind or else developed some other sort of visual impairment, but our motto is get the title first,
then write the memoir.)
CELEBRITY: Judi Dench
MEMOIR TITLE: And Furthermore
WHAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE: Like any sane person, we would have played with that "M" of her most mainstream James Bond role, and gone with the ultra-21st-century-sounding:
"I M Judi"
CELEBRITY: Michael Caine
MEMOIR TITLE: The Elephant to Hollywood
WHAT WE WOULD HAVE DONE: The answer to this is so obvious it's embarrassing:
"Getting The Caine"
Back to you, Keith
Now, we know you're about to release your autobiography in October, and just seeing what you've named it makes us want to tear our hair out. "
LIFE"?
"
Life " is not, in our opinion, the
title of an autobiography! It's too abstract.
Life means such different things to different people. It's utterly indefinable. Plus, it's also already a magazine, you doofus.
Life? You're breaking my heart, Keith. But it's not too late to rethink it into a nice pun!
Um, we might need a bit of time to think though. Ruby Keefday, maybe? Just leave it with us!
In the meantime, please take a seat in our waiting room. Oh, and here, take this one to flip through.
It's our proudest Celebrity Memoir Title to date:
Doesn't that just make you want to weep? With happiness, I mean. With GODDAMN HAPPINESS.