Angelina Jolie: actress, humanitarian, mother and "The most tattooed actress ever to win a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award," (She has actually been described as this, I swear to you).
Is there a more worthy subject for a tell-all, unauthorised biography by the tell-all, unauthoritative biographer, Andrew Morton? Please don't answer that.
You may have heard that the embargo on the book has been leaked, which is good news for the young entertainment writer who has no idea what to throw her questionable talent at this morning, and bad news for professional journalism everywhere. Because do you think I even have a copy of the book sitting here in front of me? Of course not!
All I have to work with is this dodgy
USA Today article and Janet Maslin's
review of the book in the
New York Times, but I'm pretty sure you will soon agree: This is more than enough to work with. And so without further ado let's find out:
8 things I learnt about Angelina by reading the reviews of her biography!
1. The typeface of Angelina's Billy Bob tattoo
One of the revelations made in the book is that the typeface of Angie's Billy Bob tattoo is Helvetica. This interests me greatly because I'm Gen Y and so I absolutely LOVE typefaces of all kinds, even Comic Sans if you put it in the right context.
Now, I'm no Walkley award-winner, but I like a good investigative report as much as the next woman (see: Robson, Naomi). And I can tell you
for a fact that this tattoo ain't no Helvetica:
I decided to consult a typeface expert for some more insight, so I asked my friend
Aaron Moodie, a Proper Graphic Designer, to take a look. After analysing this particular Billy Bob tat he said that there is
no way it's Helvetica—he agreed that it's more of a dodgy 90s gothic style that is "probably not even an actual font". Thanks, Aaron!
Thinking I had an enormous scoop (see Robson, Naomi), I then went back and reread the bit about the Billy Bob tattoo being in Helvetica—and THAT'S when I realised Morton was referring to her "secret" Billy Bob tattoo—the one she has near her "nether regions" as tabloids like to call it.
So, let's trust biographer Andrew Morton on that font question, shall we? Helvetica it is, then! The typeface to the stars!
2. Mr Mom
Brad Pitt is described by Morton in the book as being a “bit of a stoner”, which I have absolutely no problem with. But, according to the
NY Times, he also repeatedly refers to Pitt as "Mr Mom".
DO YOU GEDDIT! Because we still live in the eighties when it's really humorous for men to take on child rearing duties! Ha ha, "Mr Mom"!
What a fantastic way to teach billions of male Jolie fans that it's totally cool for men and women to share household duties equally, you absolute dick Andrew Morton.
3. Inception tie-in!
I swore last night on Twitter that everything I wrote today was going to have an
Inception tie-in because I think it's important as a writer to stay topical and relevant. So thank you, Andrew Morton for handing
this juicy info to me on a platter, or I might have really struggled to make a link: Leonardo DiCaprio and Angelina Jolie once had a shower together!
"The pair showered together in his hotel suite, but Angelina reportedly told friends that there was 'little sexual rapport' between the two."
Is this information interesting or useful in any way? Only YOU can decide!
Hey, but how about
Inception, you guys?!! Wasn't it weird how they used
Non, je ne regrette rien as a leitmotif throughout it while knowing full well that Marion Cotillard was in this film? I mean, didn't you expect her to just get out of the dream, put down the gun and start starving and chanteusing on a street corner in an Oscar-winning manner the entire film? Didn't you?
Didn't you?
Completely unrelated to Andrew Morton's biography of Angelina Jolie, but interesting nonetheless: Marion Cotillard as "not Edith Piaf" in Inception
.
4. Opportunities for reviewers to confuse and mix metaphors
I really like the way
USA Today describes how Morton "climbs into Jolie's childhood", as if it was a big, comfortable bed.
But please also consider these two sentences in the competition for most mind-blowingly confused mixed metaphor of the year:
"Jolie's wild-child behavior takes root, Morton asserts, in the long leash she was given at home."
And:
"Jolie's tornado-like years climbing up the Hollywood food chain are well-documented."
Wow. Meanwhile, I will be going straight to hell for highlighting the awfulness of someone else's writing when my sentences are not exactly shining rivers of gold themselves. You have my permission to shoot me.
5. Parenting strategies!
Morton reveals that Angelina gives the kids stickers when they're good! Isn't that lovely?
And when
you're good, dear readers, I give you mind-blowing Angelina quotes like this one:
"Brad is the word that makes it possible."
She actually said that, this week, in Tokyo, when asked by reporters: HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL, ANGE?! Let's hear her answer again:
"Brad is the word that makes it possible."
Simply stunning.
6. It could've been Johnelina or Willangelem
Morton reveals that before they got together, Brad Pitt "was one of the triumvirate of men—the other two were Johnny Depp and Willem Dafoe—whom Angie had watched and wondered about from afar."
But presumably Johnny and William just aren't words that make things possible.
7. Angelina is a criminal!
And by that, I mean that most nefarious of criminals—a
marital criminal.
As we know from our previous investigative reports (see Robson, Naomi), Ms. Jolie has not yet claimed to have played any role whatsoever in the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston break-up of 2005:
And, as a tweed-wearing, pipe-smoking Mr Morton confirms as he holds a magnifying glass up to the situation: “They wouldn’t find her fingerprints at the scene of
this marital crime."
8. Jon Voight has a difficult time going to hairdressers
It's no secret that Ange and her dad have had problems in their relationship. But the biography reveals to us
this shocking news: The hairdressing salon Mr Voight goes to is forced to routinely hide its tabloid magazines for fear of upsetting him with pictures of his out-of-reach grandchildren.
Sad.
And that's everything we learnt from reading the reviews of the book that is:
Angelina: The Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton.