All my friends are getting pregnant.
Ok, not all of them, but four this year have had gone through the ordeal, and another four in the last few weeks have announced that they are at various stages of baking buns.
While obviously happy for the impending arrivals of their bundles of joy (and poo), I am feeling somewhat like
Samantha Jones at a Baby Shower.
I’m not particularly clucky at this point in my life. Yes, I’m 30 and would like to have kids. But I still feel no rush. Babies are not in my life plan until the end of 2011.
So, in order to deal with what I imagine is going to be an increasing number of friends getting preggers, I’ve written a list of what to expect when you’re friends are expecting.
1. To cry.
Even if you don’t really want to have kids yet, initially you’ll cry anyway. This is some primal thing where even when you know it’s not a great time/your boyfriend sucks/ you cant afford a child/you don’t want to give up your hedonistic lifestyle, secretly and unconsciously you still wish your eggs got fertilized.
2. To feel fatter than the pregnant chick.
They start going on about how big they feel and how hungry they are when you look like you’re halfway baked and you haven’t stopped craving pickles and ice-cream since your personal training session that morning.
3. To be suddenly aware of the bazillions of children’s shops Every-freaking-where.
The child is a consumer before they even pop out. Take a walk along Clovelly Road, it is packed with munchkins shops, for example
kidostore.com.au.
4. To be suddenly aware of how bloody expensive children’s stuff is.
Boutique shoes and t-shirts worth close to $100 for a sprog who will only fit into a size 00000 for three minutes? $200, 000 to
raise a kid to the age of 18? No thanks, lets have dinner at
Est. or
Becasse instead.
5. To want to have lots of sex.
With anyone if you’re single. With anyone if you’re in a relationship.
6. To be over cautious with contraception.
Ever tried to get a guy to wear three condoms even when you’re on the pill?
7. To want to get drunk.
They can’t, or at least shouldn’t, so you will. Regularly.
8. To become a walking fact-book on a child’s development.
Just like in Juno, you will know at exactly what hour after conception the foetus will have fingernails, eyelashes and a bellybutton.
9
. To embrace your period pain.
As a gesture of empathy you will refuse to take
naprogesic so that you can start to appreciate what the inklings of childbirth might feel like. This will last a day, before you realise you can totally wait for the pain and comp down on the painkillers to help stop your uterus from contracting as the prostaglandins are released.
10. To love the idea of being an aunty and tell the world about your “best friends child”.
Practise with kids makes you all the more aware and equipped for what parenting is really like. The joy of aunty-dom or being a Fairy Godmother is that you can always hand the kidlet back.