It's been an exciting couple of months for Michael Jackson. At first I thought the creepy auction of his various personal items and curios would be the pinnacle of his craziness for 2009. It turns out though that I was quite wrong. Comeback tour? Surely such things aren't possible. Here's five reasons why it's going to be a complete train wreck of awesome.

5. Michael Jackson is the Messiah.

The last time Michael Jackson attempted a major comeback was in 1996 with Earth Song. Clearly the best way to absolve yourself of child-molestation charges is to turn yourself into a Messianic figure and include more jesus/christ-pose references in your live show than the Wachowski Brothers shoved into the Matrix Trilogy. Also, surround yourself with crying children.

yikes.

4. Jarvis Cocker May Show Up and complain

What's a Michael Jackson Comeback without brit-pop royalty gatecrashing a live performance?

3. Michael Jackson's fans are insane>

Michael Jackson fans make people who enjoy Twilight look like healthy people. I know I want to be in a stadium full of these colourful characters.

2. Michael Jackson is a shapeshifter

I've heard rumors that halfway through his London performances Michael Jackson will be transforming back into a credible artist. Or perhaps some sort of were-panther that destroys cars by zipping up his fly. You decide.

1. Michael Jackson likes to ride around in Jetpacks.

What.