Each night at 6.30pm, I feel a deep disturbance in the force, as though the suburbs cry out in pain.

People will be rapt in casual conversation about their television habits and I must be content to just flop back in my chair and alternate between smiling and staring blankly with a thin facade of interest.

What is the root of this ill-ease?

I have abandoned my former favourite soap opera, and lately it weighs heavy on my heart.

Yes, Neighbours and I are no longer good friends; Ten's long-running serial no longer has the perfect blend.

Once upon a time, the beginning of the ratings season for a new year was a cause for great celebration; finally we'd find out what happened after the traditional end-of-season Neighbours cliffhanger.

Remember this?


And this?




I was glued to the television, glued!

But if you asked me what had happened at the end of 2009's season, I couldn't tell you. Did Didge die? No, that was earlier on. Something to do with Susan or Steph? Maybe/probably.

The last time I checked in with Ramsay Street it was a week or so ago; Lynn had convinced Steph to help carry some old crap to the church for the fete, and Steph got chatting with a hot dude pushing a wheelbarrow.

Wouldn't you know it, he's the new priest!

If my inner monologue had a live studio audience, they would have groaned en masse when that little reveal happened.

I changed channels immediately.

Where did it all go wrong?

Neighbours once felt as comforting as your favourite beige sofa; as rewarding as a Cup A Soup with nanna. Now it feels as suffocating as the suburban life you fled, screaming, for the welcoming embrace of things like multiculturalism, shopping centres and streets that weren't circular driveways.

And then they started doing things like this:





That they recently managed to dredge Australian Idol (AND X Factor!) reject Jacob out of the slimy depths of obscurity only to make him into a Neighbours-specific "star" only serves to demonstrate how far they've fallen.



Oh, for the glory days of Human Nature's guest appearance!

I'd be intrigued to hear from those who still manage a regular Neighbours viewing schedule; what is it that you like about the show these days? Hell, I've even heard people say they think it's better than ever!

For me, however, those days are gone. I must be content to sit on my living room floor and play with The Neighbours Game.



(Yes, I own it - and an original copy, too!)

At least that way I can come up with interesting storylines and remember the days when I cared about the characters. Now I know what it feels like to be a middle-aged whinger. Just call me Harold.