Let me let you in on a secret that is probably as far from an actual secret as you can get: I live for Oscars day.

It began aged about 11, when I first watched the ceremony - the year Anna Paquin won - and was captivated. I got Mum to buy me the post-Oscars Who magazine special and I plastered the pictures all over my diary.

In other words, I was particularly thrilled to be able to watch the ceremony live this year, thanks to an uncharacteristically good decision on the part of Channel Nine to show the broadcast at the same time as the States.

(Twittering simultaneously as @EbertChicago was probably the culmination of a life's dream I didn't know I'd had.)

It was a great ceremony, if a broadcast beset by audio issues and weird, overly long throws to breaks, and a definite improvement on previous years' efforts. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin's non-stop barrage of dad jokes were brilliant.

So, if you didn't manage to see the telecast, transport yourself back to midday yesterday by enjoying the rabid scribblings of a woman so completely giddy with Oscars excitement that I nearly snapped my laptop in half while waiting for the Best Director winner to be read out.

* * *

12:15 - Richard Wilkins, stop saying "sir" to Morgan Freeman.

12:16 - That's four "sirs".

12:17 - Oh, Morgan Freeman is "eating a peanut", is he, Karl?

12:17 - "This is going to set the trend for hairdressers all over Australia TOMORROW." Thanks, Henry Roth.

12:18 - I'm going to go to the hairdressers TOMORROW just so they can "be casting that look" onto my head.

12:21 - MATT DAMON!

12:23 - "Thanks for making the trip". ALL THE WAY FROM PRISON ISLAND, EH, MATT?

12:24 - Who's "Zoe Salanda", Henry? LIFT YOUR GAME, NINE.

12:25 - "The fabric is talking." Can I have some of that Nine mescaline?

12:30 - OMG HERE WE GO!! So, all of the nominees are onstage. Jeff Bridges just did his Star Man smile/gape. This is very weird. Everyone's standing there like it's Year 11 speech night.

12:31 - Gabby Sidibe is vogueing! I LOVE YOU.

12:31 - NEIL PATRICK HARRIS!

12:34 - Steve and Alec!

1235 - "Meryl Streep holds the record for most nominations, or as I like to think of it, most losses." - Martin

12:37 "I know you loved Invictus, because it involved two of your passions: rugby, and tensions between blacks and whites." - Baldwin

12:38 On Streep: "Can that woman act, and what's up with all the hitler memorabilia?" - Martin

12:38 - I am literally crying with laughter. Martin and Baldwin are on fire. "There's Avatar director, James Cameron":

12:40 They so went there!! Again and again!

12:41 We are applauding in the living room.

12:42 "Oh my god there's Matt Damon!" - Baldwin

12:46 - Best Supporting Actor up first. New telecast trend: montages instead of the old Wayne's World Oscar clip. A better representation of the performance or indulgent? It's a bit slow-motion replay.

12:48 - Waltz! "Oscar and Penelope, that's an uber-bingo". DAG! Love it. Totally happy to be completely unsurprised by this result.

12:52 - Camera keeps sweeping over the audience and everyone looks BORED. Do we miss this stuff in the usual delayed telecast?

12:56 Cameron Diaz looks like a sparkly, smiley, beautiful dolphin.

12:57 Animated "reactions" from the "stars" of Best Animated Feature. Cute.

12:58 What's up with George Clooney's constant face of stone? Is he manstruating?


1:00 Hooray, more Martin and Baldwin.

1:01 MILEY CYRUS YOU LIE! It is not your "first time on this stage". You presented last year!

1:04 "I love you more than rainbows, baby" - Ryan Bingham

1:05 Another crowd shot. Seat-warmer Twittering in the back row. Will no doubt be taken out and shot in next ad-break.

1:05 BABY I DID NOT HAVE PORNOGREPHIC RELATIONS WITH A FOOKIN' CREATURE

1:06 WE GET IT, STOP WITH THE EXTENDED CRANE SHOTS OF THE AUDITORIUM

1:12 Take those sunglasses off, RDJ.

1:13 "Sickly little mole people" - you can keep them on, I forgive you.

1:17 John Hughes tribute. Molly Ringwald on the brink of tears.

1:22 IT'S THE BREAKFAST CLUB.

1:23 Entire room in tears.

1:24 And then they go to a cacophonous Best Picture montage (Up). Wouldn't a silent cut to a break have been more appropriate?

1:27 "We'd like to introduce two beautiful actresses, because, frankly, we're sick and tired of bringing out all these ugly actresses" Martin

1:28 Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana stride out to present. Orchestra plays Thank Heavens For Little Girls? REALLY?

1:36 Miracle Fish loses Best Live Action Short. Headline in advance: "AUSSIE OSCAR SNUB"

1:38 Ben Stiller in Na'vi makeup. Nightmares tonight.



1:50 Precious for Best Screenplay! Too bad I was distracted by leaping around shouting "NO, IT'S KET FUD! I JUST DISTRECT THEM!" Oh District 9, why weren't you released a year ago?

1:51 Random Morgan Freeman shot. He looks like he's nodding off.

1:52 Montage from the Governer's Award piss up. It looks like a right blast. Why couldn't they telecast that?

1:55 Governer's Ball is "just one of many balls being held all over Hollywood tonight" - Robin Williams

1:59 Mo'nique! She looks elegant and humbled. Awesome.

2:04 Wow, the technical side of the production is really shonky. Crewmembers scurrying off-set after the ad break! Lift your game, team!

2:05 Sigourney!
 
2:08 More dad jokes from Baldwin and Martin.

2:11 WHAT THE FUCK AT THE SOUND, GUYS? It sounds like Sandy Powell is accepting Best Costume Design out the back of the Costco storeroom.

2:18 Is this music supposed to be playing over the top of everything?!

219 FUCK YEAH HORROR MONTAGE

2:22 Well, that was disappointing. Right. A horror montage comprising approximately 7% actual horror films.

2:23 Ooh, a lesson in sound design! (Sorry, sound editing and sound mixing.)

2:25 The Hurt Locker for Sound Editing!

2:26 And Sound Mixing!

2:28 Elizabeth Banks attempts to congratulate Sci-Tech Winners, unbelievably bad sound explodes all over her face.

2:37 Demi Moore was just revealed by a spinning set piece. It looked like TV Shopping Network is offering a life-sized Demi doll.

2:38 James Taylor playing In My Life for the "dearly departed" montage. Lovely, but THE FUCKING SOUND MIX YOU GUYS.

2:39 Hey, where's Farrah Fawcett?

2:45 Did J-Lo roll herself up in some bubble wrap?

2:45 G'DAY, SAM WORTHINGTON. I HERD U LYK KANGAROOS.

2:46 Allow us to explain the Best Score nominees via the power of interpretive dance.

2:51 Standing ovation for the dance-off?

2:55 Avatar for Visual Effects. WELL, DUH.

2:56 Jason Bateman!

2:57 Montage shows us absolutely everything that happened in Up In The Air.

3:04 The Cove political/SMS acceptance speech stunt foiled by a quick cutaway and blaring music. GOOD THING THE INTERNET WAS WATCHING:



3:08 Best Editing winners are excited NERDS.

3:09 Whoa. It's Keanu.

3:18 "What? No! 'please wrap up'!" Best Foreign Language Film winner is a joy.

3:25 Uh oh, it's the weird "good mates reminisce about their former co-stars" way of introducing the Best Actor nominees.

3:28 This is like watching a brace of 21st birthday speeches.

3:30 Colin Farrell just PWNED Jeremy Renner.

3:33 Wow. Jeff Bridges for Best Actor. So surprising.

3:34 But it's okay, I think he's stoned! "Whee! Boy! Hoo!"

3:42 "Hi, I'm Michael Sheen. I am only allowed to play either Tony Blair or a vampire."

3:48 Sean Penn refers to forgetting to thank his wife... by not thanking his wife.

3:48 Oprah gives Gabby Sidibe the props to end all props.

3:48 Disappointed she didn't then yell "look under your seats, YOU'RE ALL GETTING OSCAAAAAARS!!!"

3:49 And Sandra Bullock ruins everyone's night.

3:50 And is then so nice and unassuming it's hard to hate her for it.

3:52 MECHAAAAA BABURAAAA STREISAAAANDAAAAAA!!!!

3:55 HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY, KATHRYN BIGELOW!!

3:56 FUCK YOU FOR PLAYING 'I AM WOMAN', OSCAR PRODUCERS!!!

4:01 "Ladies and gentlemen, the show is now so long that Avatar now takes place in the past" - Martin

THE END