Right now I am watching a crowd of hyper-enthusiastic Americans dutifully yelling out the survey results on Family Feud. Yes, Americans - for the next just-under-a-month I'll be "reporting" on American TV while I travel the States. While our Family Feud was a beige-toned televisual sedative, Americans even seem to be able to make Family Feud seem like compelling viewing. 



One of today's survey concerns "things that everybody knows" about Zorro. And they all just read out "HANDSOME/SEXY" like it was a prayer, while 'Drell' - who is not, as his name might suggest, a gremlin in Dungeons & Dragons, but instead a sharply-dressed young man - nodded as he also barked out "HANDSOME/SEXY". 

I just about lost my mind. 

Here's the thing nobody can prepare you for when visiting America: you are going to the source. For someone who has spent their whole life marinating in pop culture, being dunked in the deep end of America cannot be underestimated. 

Shows that Australian television features watered-down versions of were minted in America; anti-depressants and heart medications are advertised on primetime in America; slogans and catch-phrases we receive dubbed and dumbed-down sound better in American (yes, even "Subway: Eat Fresh").

Even the ads are better:



While jetlag and extreme timezone shifts haven't allowed me to truly soak in American television just yet, one thing that's super noticeable about LA is the proliferation of billboards (and bus shelters, and park benches, and buses...) pimping hot new television shows. And here I was expecting just to see this billboard: 


Naturally, the bulk of them haven't made it to Australian screens yet, and are - I assume - unlikely to. Of all the shows currently being flogged left, right and centre, I'm most excited to watch Trauma:



(Suck on that, All Saints!)

Sure, it's just E.R. on steroids, but why watch doctors mumble through endless corridors (or, worse, fumble through hilarious/tragic romances) when you can watch stuff getting blown to kingdom come and then pasted back together again? When it comes to TV medical dramas, I want MORE SHOUTING and MORE SLOW MOTION EXPLOSIONS.

There's also a million posters featuring smirking Simon Baker [Denny] in another season of The Mentalist up and down the streets. I wonder if anyone in America has discovered this yet?



And yet, Australia gets stuck with Two & A Half Men. True, there is some respite in the form of Foxtel's programming, but for the most part, Australian free-to-air television is a barren wasteland.

So, over the next three weeks, I'm going to suck up American television like a pop-culture Hoover, tell you what we're missing and what we should be glad we're missing, and stay up late watching televangelists and ads for Slap-Chops and Snuggies and Comfort Wipes. Because if there's one thing that will stop the homesickness pangs, it's pretending I'm at home on my couch at 4am in the morning.

Some things transcend borders.