Australia Day is a dud public holiday for a variety of reasons, but in Tube Ray Army's neck of the woods it's particularly grim as the networks don't exactly pull their finger out for Australia Day programming.

Come Christmastime there's seasonal specials left right and centre; on New Years' Eve you can watch NYE-related movies and see Axel Whitehead and John Foreman offending the nation live from Sydney Harbour.

Hell, even at Easter you might be lucky enough to snare a repeat of Whistle Down The Wind or Watership Down.

But on Australia Day there's not so much as an Alvin Purple-a-thon. If you have Foxtel you might be able to catch some [V] enabled Big Day Out coverage, but for most, Australia Day's media effort largely revolves around a) the Hottest 100 on the radio, and b) seeing dickheads on the nightly news come 6pm.

(Oh, and the Australia Day Message 2010 is on at 6.53pm on ABC, SET YOUR VCR!!)

Hell, even the rest of the world is more excited about Australia Day than we are. Just check out those crazy Russian figure-skaters!



So, in the spirit of providing something to do while you're either toiling away in an empty office, or lying on your couch with the laptop open, wondering what to do, let's surf a little bit of classic televisual Australiana together.

We'll begin by cracking open a cold one:



The news has been full today of stories about that art student putting her head through a priceless Picasso at the Met, but I think the real cultural tragedy of the last few decades has been the death of the VB commercial as we originally knew it. Nothing makes me want to guzzle alcohol more than a bunch of sweaty, magnificent men grunting and grimacing in unison before letting a phallic (if chodelike) bottle spoof beer foam all over their hands.

If there's another thing Australia Day reminds me of, given we use it to effectively celebrate the invasion of this country's indigenous nations, it's the Bicentennial. Let's party about two hundred years of the stuff, you guys!

But wait, I'll need to commemorate this occasion. I've literally been waiting two centuries for it. What can I do?




Four-colour printing! Gold-blocking! The days when upmarket Australians spoke like they live in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean! YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY IT.

Okay, so not all Australians spoke like that. Thank god we had Paul Hogan to tell the world where to find us:



BAM! We got the America's Cup! Suck it, dudes! (Now come here and spend lots of money and love us, PLEASE.)

But if there's one thing I think should be made compulsory viewing every Australia Day, it's a film that first screened on ABC television back in 1986, Don Featherstone and Geoffrey Atherden's brilliant BabaKiueria:







Cancel your appointment at the tattoo parlour, throw away your Southern Cross tatt sketch, grab a VB and head for the BabaKiueria.

Happy Australia Day.