Here's a confession: I didn't watch the first season of Project Runway Australia.

This may seem odd given my Australia's Next Top Model obsession (COME ON CASSI!!!!), but there's a genuine reason: I once went to fashion school.

I spent two years toiling in the fluorescent gloom of the sewing lab, attempting to draft childrenswear patterns and elasticise swimwear leg holes, working out which way a t-shirt sleeve goes in and getting my head around textile science. It's a wonder I'm still (relatively) sane.

Even watching the promos for Project Runway see me break out in a cold sweat as cameras swish past forms, mannequins, drafting paper and CAD lounges. All I can think about are practical assessments and pricing sheets and OH MY GOD HELP ME.



Ahem.

Anyway, when Tube Ray Army was sent the first ep of this year's return season of Runway, I figured it might be therapeutic viewing. You know, face my fashionable fears and finally regain the confidence to open my sewing kit without thinking of being assessed on my ability to sew a Leg O' Mutton sleeve or a yoked skirt (for the record, I scored 'Satisfactory' on both counts).

So, I'll begin where the show begins - introducing you to the "designers". Here are my highly superficial character notes following notable quotes from the mouths of these fashion babes.

Amber Renae: "My fashion motto is, 'if it feels good, do it' - if you wanna wear a fur coat to breakfast, wear your fur coat to breakfast, honey."
(Wacky and wild! Amber is pictured with Paris Hilton, who seems to share a distaste for large expanses of fabric.)

Michael Finch: "I'm not a designer for trends [...] I love to make a woman light up from within."
(That explains why his dresses look like beaded lampshades from a gift shop in the Dandenongs, then.)

Anthony Capon: "The secret weapon I have is my talent [...] I'm actually a boy."
(...)

William Lazootin: "We're the first three? [looks witheringly at Anthony and Michael] Riiiight."
(I got nothin' for ya. William looks like a pain and a half.)

At this stage I'd like to stop doing contestant-by-contestant comments and say OH MY GOD at the introduction of Yopie Stafurik. Not Yopie herself (she'll be playing the "plucky costume designer" role, which will no doubt lead to judges whining about her clothes in the fashion equivalent of Idol judges saying "too musical theatre") but Amber's reaction to her arrival.

Yopie uses crutches due to a childhood bout of polio; Amber screams "Yopie!! It's nice to meet you oh my god are you okay!!!" (she would use multiple exclamation marks in real life) when faced with the crutches, her wide eyes sproinging out of her head on stalks (well, not quite). It's like the scene in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant's dud date exclaims "You're in a wheelchair!"

It's clear that Amber is going to drive me totally insane.

Anyway, from there we meet the rest of the designers:

Ivana Stipicic: "Fashion for me is, like, a lifestyle; it's not a choice, it's just how I live."
(This lifestyle evidently involves dresses that look like what happens to balloons when they've been hanging around post-party and get weird stretchy wrinkled bits all over them. Studied in Milan, has severe haircut, will annoy.)

Kellyanne Russell: "My butt is just the price I have to pay for having such great tits."
(Designs super-glam plus-size fashion, LOVE HER.)

Mark Neighbour: "Four... fashion people... in one bathroom... [cat's bum face]"
(He looks like he could actually have some serious talent but this was all I could think of while he was talking.)

Claudia Chabo: "I don't know if you guys know, got my own label?"
(Total pain in the arse, thinks she's Tigerlily/Agent Provocateur, looks more like S2S' stylist.)

Jason Chetcuti: "What is going to separate me from the other designers is the way I put clothes together."
(i.e. like a blind epileptic in the quilting section at Spotlight.)

Ryan Whelan: "Recently I dressed a horse."
(Ryan looks too normal and considered to make it very far; he would design you a very nice shirt and thenzzz...)

Lauren Vieyra: "If fashion design was an Olympic sport, I'd definitely try to win the gold."
(Also a cheerleader. 'Nuff said.)

From there they have drinks at Crown Towers (Melbourne spotto!) after settling in at their Waterfront City (deserted urban wasteland cringing Melbourne spotto!) apartments. Then it's onto the design challenge, "a gown that represents us", Michael helpfully explains as his eyes roll back into his head (maybe it's the hairspray).

(I'll take a moment here to express my love for ascerbic judge Henry Roth, essentially Runway's version of Top Model's Jonathan Pease, but with more actual industry credentials and less sleazoid factor. I LOVE HIM!)

Henry then ushers in a bunch of models who, in a spin on the usual fashion industry power-struggle, will be picking which designer they want to model for. It's like a haute couture game of Grade 3 rounders, and poor Mark is left until last. Fortunately his model is hot (and former Next Top Model spotto on Sarah from Cycle Two).

On Day 2 of the challenge they return to the workroom, which looks like someone ate JC Westend and vomited it all over Lincraft. Henry comes in and looks at the evolving gowns and barks that Claudia's is "steaming hot". Perhaps because the bunch of organza wrapped around the form looks like a dumpling.

Henry then assesses Ryan's gown and advises him to fix the draping so it looks "sexy rather than soggy porridge". Can't argue with that, really.

Picked-last Mark is given an "I don't get it" from Henry, which is understandable as his gown looks like a toile that Molly Ringwald rejected before deciding upon her infamous Pretty In Pink creation. It features a ribboned bow.

Eventually they finish up and the models return to parade the gowns, and this is where - I presume (and apart from the bitchfights and one-liners) - the magic of Project Runway happens. What previously looked like a bunch of haberdashery nightmares suddenly looks like actual fashion. And speaking of one-liners, the judges' comments (from designer Jayson Brunsdon, fashion buyer Sarah Gale, and guest judge Nicola Finetti, plus sassy host Kristy Hinze) are delicious.

In short, forget I ever said anything about post-traumatic fashion-school stress syndrome - I'm hooked. This is one project I am going to stick with, all the way to the end.

Project Runway Australia: Season 2 premieres tomorrow night on Arena (Foxtel) at 8.30pm.