I have to interrupt the usual broadcast from my desk to bring you something far less important, though far more entertaining:
A rant.
My rant has a name, and sadly a blog, and that name is Sam.
First, a caveat: I am passing no judgement here on Sam the lady. She's probably lovely and I empathise that she has a difficult job in blogging about relationships. That said, girlfriend has done did a bad thing (or hundred) in her time.
Rather than pick the blog to pieces and attach line item criticism, I'll contain my rage to today's post (though there is four years worth of material to bark at).
One more thing before I start; it would be a breath of fresh fucking air to have someone reveal some insightful truths when writing about sex, relationships and love rather than playing to bygone gender stereotypes that are like lifeblood to the bland minds of the mediocre.
Now that I've said that it's on with the medley of malarkey from today's Ask Sam!
WHY MEN ALWAYS WANT SEX (or not?): THE GREAT DEBATE
Sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. Women know that. Men live by that. Couples thrive on it. So if this is the case then, when you're ensconced in a relationship, sex should be extremely frequent. And sexy. And throw-down-get-your-clothes-off-right-now-cause-I-want-to-make-passionate-love-to-you-this-minute.
In fact nothing should be off the menu: morning or night, in restaurant bathrooms, in public spaces, in recreational positions and in every room of the house.
Right?
Well, unfortunately that's not the case for everyone.
I put this to you: respect is the glue that holds relationships together. Couples exists that for whatever reason, do not have sex often. Two people with low libidos have just as great a chance of long-term happiness as anyone, surely? I also put to you that we don't have bathrooms in restaurants.
A distressed women recently confided to me that she fears her relationship is going down the gurgler. Not because her and her boyfriend aren't communicating, don't see each other enough or because she's put on weight and he no longer thinks she's hot. Oh no ...
The fact is they sleep at one another's pads at least four times a week, he is incredibly romantic, calls when he says he will and best of all - they have the most incredible intellectually stimulating conversations. (Don't laugh - this can be an incredibly effective turn-on for many, including moi.)
Instead, she believes that her relationship is deflating faster than Tiger Woods's reputation because her once hot-to-trot sex life is suddenly dwindling down to a measly once a week quickie.
He always says he's too tired. And when we do have sex he finishes in two minutes," she winces. "What does it mean?"
Red flag alert! Yep, it seems there's something fishy taking place behind the scenes. Especially because, as even Freud agreed, all men have a goal to have as much sex as they can - day, night and every moment in between if possible. So what's going on? Could he be sleeping with someone else? Is he depressed? Is he cheating on her? Is he gay?"
Guys are allowed to not have sex and still remain heterosexual and faithful. Gay is not the catch all answer for every relationship phenomenon.
It gets worse BTW, as Sam decides to introduce a "male" opinion.
WHY MEN DON'T ALWAYS WANT SEX (a male's opinion)
By Artemis
"OK ladies, let's just calm down ...
"Whatever society has perpetuated for last century is NOT a fact: men are not all dogs who want to have sex, eat, sleep and watch sports. Like most women (all women if you ask me) we can be moody, feel fat, get uncomfortable ... and, yes, lose our sex drive when tired!! SHOCKER, Men are not all porn stars!
"Some girls think this might mean cheating or a sign that he's gay ... well, you're SO WRONG. If a guy is gay, he would vomit when having sex with you and would never ask for a quickie. Here is a good gay test - check his computer for gay porn! Ask his buddies ... flirt with his buddies. Did he get jealous? If he didn't, he's probably NOT gay.
"Also, cheating does not equal disinterest in sex. It just means he's getting extra sex ... and you're second on his list.
"Truth be told, men are a lot like women ... we have to be in the mood. Live with it, if you can't, look in the mirror and face YOUR insecurity ... not HIS!"
You know what Artemis (if that's even your real name)? Don't call us "ladies" only to patronise us with your wayward exclamation marks and misused ellipses.
I cannot believe TheAge and SMH allowed someone to publish the words: If a guy is gay, he would vomit when having sex with you and would never ask for a quickie.
Not only is it offensive, it actually makes no sense.
To make matters worse the blog acts like some type of beacon for idiots, and the dim witted flock like locust to leave comments that are marginally worse than the blog itself.
Pour example:
Here is Stephanie who proves in only a few sentences that time travel is not only possible, but cheap!
"I'm a woman...And even I don't understand women sometimes.
We complain that all men want is sex, yet we complain when they're not giving it to us enough?
No wonder men think women are 'complicated'."
And our friend David who needs no introduction - just a cast iron pan to the ass like his Mamma shoulda done did.
"Very simply men get fed up with women's mood's and simply withdraw hoping it will bring the relationship to an end. Women hate it because they no longer have the upper hand.
Then they get nasty and use the children as pawn's. Sex is only 1% of our lives and simply working with another women during the day can do more for us than going home to bitchy, silent treatment."
I certainly don't claim to have any relationship advice for anyone, but that's why I don't have an advice column. If you can't fly a plane, stay the fuck out of the cockpit.