I'm not at Glastonbury. I'm stuck in Melbourne. In winter. My plans include making soup.

Adding insult to injury, the BBC's live coverage doesn't extend this far. I'm being tortured by tweets and headlines. Not a happy camper.

What I've missed so far:

Radiohead - just voted best ever Glasto memory for their '97 set - have made a surprise appearance to mark the festival's 40th birthday. "Thomas Yorke" and Johnny Greenwood got the crowd dancing by dropping beats around a sample of truck's reversing alarm. According to NME, after an acoustic "Karma Police" the crowd started "singing the song's 'I lost myself' lyrics after the track had finished, Yorke then picked up his guitar and joined in with his audience." Magic moments ensued. They finished with "Street Spirt". I bet it was amazing. Mental note: I need to schlep to a butcher on Centre Road soon. Life is very cruel indeed.

Half of Radiohead still managed to leech a lot of the potential Hot Chip audience who were - apparently, I don't know, I wasn't there - great anyway.

Elsewhere, Rolf Harris opened the festival and effortlessly drew "tens of thousands". Looks like the 80 year old is now, officially, a Glastonbury icon. The Guardian struggled to decide on a highlight: "Was it Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport? Or a reprise that set the fair dinkum lyrics to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory? Was it his beatboxing duet with a member of his Jools Holland-ish backing band? Or was it simply the cocky sense of humour that led Rolf to instruct the crowd in how best to invite him back for an encore? Take your pick."

Oh yeah, and Rolf brought the weather with him. It's a heatwave. I could cry.

La Roux was joined by Glen Gregory from Heaven 17 for a cover of his 80's classic "Temptation". She also synthesized the Rolling Stones "Under My Thumb" and had rude-girl backing dancers.

Grace Dent's live blog from the sofa as she watches it on the BBC is making me feel a little better...

"11.31pm: Some Kind of Nature- Gorillaz and Lou Reed. This, [by] any chalk, is a bloody terrible racket. I invite the word to argue with me. There is no defence. I can only imagine people let Lou Reed on stage with them as he's such a terrible curmudgeon they're too scared to say no as he will NUCLEAR sulk them. Yes, this is the reason."

Vampire Weekend were watched by Damon Albarn and Danger Mouse in the wings on Friday night, UK time, "Playing in front of a giant version of the album cover of Contra - complete with eyes that lit up throughout the set", reported NME, who also captured the, "You've been amazing," the singer told the crowd moment. I know, it's like we were there, right?

The Boy George 2010 comeback started in the Dance Village's Wow tent. "Karma Chameleon" almost brought said tent down with George changing the lyrics to "I'm a man with three convictions".

Florence and Mumford & Sons have both been tipped as future headliners after last night. They played at the same time as Dizzee but both drew huge crowds. Mumford & Sons are expected to "do a Coldplay" it seems.

There is a giant screen for the World Cup action. Did I mention that it's hot there? And we're playing Germany? Jesus wept...

UPDATE:
Hang on! What's this? Gorillaz were a bust last night? Things are looking up for poor old absent me, and I haven't even been to the video shop yet!

The Guardian, on the other hand, are on site in great numbers. Their take: "Apart from 'Stylo', featuring a mesmerising Bobby Womack, the set isloaded with introspective songs and grinds to a halt all together witha recital by a Syrian ensemble... There is a time and place for spotlighting virtuosos inunfamiliar disciplines but this emphatically is not it."

Okay, starting to feel a little better now as, "...festivalgoers continue to drift away at alarming rates. Disasterstrikes when Albarn urges the crowd to sing along to Pirate Jet, asombre album track about environmental blight. When few take up hisoffer, Albarn's face falls and he mouths a desperate 'please'."

Despite a barnstorming encore with Snoop Dogg on "Feel Good Inc", their conclusion: "The site of Albarn's greatest triumph [last year's Blur reunion] is the venue for a humblingencounter with a crowd that demands more tunes than Gorillaz canprovide."



Tonight (Saturday, UK time) I shall be missing Muse (could Bono make a "surprise" guest appearance?), The National, and Scissor Sisters featuring, if rumours are true, Sir Ian McKellan and Kylie.

I won't be there. But then I have ABBAWORLD so it all balances out, I'm sure.