Three cheers for democracy! The people of Britain have voted and will send 19 year old Josh Dubovie to Oslo in May where he will serve as their annual sacrificial offering upon the
Eurovision song contest altar.
As always, his only defense against the impenetrable forces of political bloc voting, will be a song so irresistibly catchy that it manages to erase years of anti-British sentiment across Europe and put Team Britain back on top where they belong.
And who better to conceive such a deviously memorable pop gem for the annual drinking game/orgy of trash than Stock, Aitken and Waterman? For those readers under thirty-something, SAW were the evil geniuses behind the Euro-dominating pop sound of Rick Astley, early Kylie, Mel & Kim, Bananarama, and were the reason Jason Donovan had the biggest selling album in Britain in 1989. In short, perfectly qualified to pen something for the contest that time and taste forgot.
Luckily, they have experience. Back in 1984 the future production powerhouse cut their teeth on the Cypriot Eurovision entry. Sadly, even the incredible matching jumpsuits couldn't put it above seventh place on the night...
This time then it's personal for Pete Waterman. Not only do the hopes of Britain rest on his inflated ego, but he must outdo his own seventh-place result and beat last year's fifth place entry penned by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. In an interview with the BBC he bravely claimed at least half the responsibility...
"When the BBC called to ask if I would do it, I had two questions. The first was to ensure that I had a free hand musically and the second was to ask my old partner Mike Stock to help me. We haven't worked together recently, but we've remained friends and there was no question that I would be willing as long as he was prepared to do it with me. Mike is the musician and he interprets my ideas—a trouble shared is a trouble halved, as they say."
"The song has to appeal to one person only, and that's me. Others will have their views on whether it's a good song or not, but I have to be in charge as ultimately I have to deliver it. If people don't like it, I can't do anything about that. We have the same starting point with all our songs and we know what the limitations are."
"Eurovision is one of those iconic competitions that has stood the test of time and keeps coming up with great acts, great tunes and great performances."
But before you try and remember any of the "great acts" and "great tunes" to come from Eurovision in recent years, let's see how what a "free hand musically" has resulted in...
Oh dear. Is that the sound of "nul points" I can hear? But there is one glimmer of hope for Britain; the Russians won't be sending this impeccably styled supergroup who, thank the Eurovision gods, only managed third place in that country's heats...